Perfect Alli: July 5, 2013

Alli: July 5, 2013

I’m riding back to the Cities with Thor from Sarah’s family’s cabin in northern Minnesota. I wanted to stay until the weekend like the rest of the group, but I have to work this afternoon and if I miss work my mother will never let it go. Thor wanted to ride together and since he doesn’t have to work, he may head back to the cabin after he drops me off. It’s not that far that I feel too much guilt about the drive. My guilt stems from what Thor said last night.

“We should get our own place on this lake someday.”

Whoa. It stopped me in my tracks. I’m not sure if he was just blabbering because we had been drinking and were in a boat in the middle of the lake watching fireworks or if he was making plans for the future. Who knows where I will be a year from now if I don’t get into the U’s medical school, let alone five years from now. Normally I would have blown off a comment like that, but after Thor’s brother told me last week that I need to end the relationship before Thor gets hurt, I’m a bit more sensitive about him making future plans. I don’t want to hurt him.

When I first met him, he seemed so confident and smooth that I was surprised he was even interested in me. Usually, hot guys don’t even give me a second look once I open my mouth. It’s not that I’m not decent looking. I can hold my own mostly and I have lady-parts. I’m just focused and I think they see me as too much work. That’s why I usually go for geeks. They seem more willing to see past my career fixation. Maybe it’s because they have their own goals or maybe it's because they’re not used to women talking to them.

The smile on my face provokes Thor to ask, “Who are you texting?”

“No one. I’m on Tumblr, just blogging. It helps me think.”

“Think? About last night?” He winks at me and his face lights with amusement.

“You are so full of yourself.”

“I have a right to be, don’t I?” He returns his eyes to the road as if his question is rhetorical.

“I suppose you do,” I admit even though I didn’t need to answer. I can feel the blush on my cheeks burn down my neck, thinking about what happened after the fireworks ended and I’m glad he is no longer looking at me.

“Do you want to come over after you get off work?”

“I thought that you were going back up to the lake.”

He grunts skeptically. “There’s nothing there for me if you’re not there. Besides I’d be the only one without a date.”

“Sarah doesn’t have a date.” I blurt out, not wanting him to hook up with Sarah, but to prove a point that he wouldn’t be the only single.

“She is cute. But I think Jeff’s sister is a little too obsessed with the Internet guy to even notice I’m there. I’d be stuck talking to myself.”

He was right. Now that Sarah and Will were actually talking on the phone, she was even more distracted than usual. She seemed dazed last night—which is not her. She kept checking her phone and complaining about the terrible cell service on the lake. Then after the fireworks, she drove into town to make a call. We all knew who she was calling.

“Do you want to come over or not?”

“Sure, but I can’t stay. My parents know the girls are all up at the lake and that means I don’t have an excuse for staying out all night.”

“You are an adult. Just tell them you’re staying at my apartment.” He says it as if nothing could be simpler. He looks over at me and he knows right away. I tried to look away but he caught my expression. “You haven’t told them about me, have you?”

I let out a deep breath and stumble over my words. “I…you…It wouldn’t make it easier to for me to stay over. They’re not going to approve of you.”

“So I’m not good enough for your parents? What, I need a Harvard degree or just need a Ph.D. behind my name?”

Damn. That’s not what I meant. “No, they’re not going to approve of any guy I’m with until I'm in my final year of residency.”

“Well, you’re going to have to introduce me at some point. I can wait until the end of summer when you’re back at school and no longer under their roof, but I am going to meet them.”

There it was—more future plans. Do I plant the seed about the breakup or do I ignore his comment? I wait a beat too long to respond and he adds, “You don’t want them to meet me ever, do you?”

This time I’m quick to respond. “It’s for your own protection. Really it won’t be pretty.” Then I laugh to make light of my words.

“Well you’re coming to my parents for Thanksgiving weekend, so you better think up a good lie to tell your parents by then.” His words have a bitter undertone and the determined look on his face tells me that he’s going to find a way to meet my parents. He’ll make it look like an accident—probably stop over unexpectedly and say that he thought that they wouldn’t be home. Then he gets what he wants and I can’t get mad.

“If we’re still together then,” I say and I don’t know if I'm planting the seed or if I'm just conveying how serious I am about me not wanting him to meet them. The rest of the ride is pretty silent. I want to know what he’s thinking, but I’m too afraid to ask. Maybe I’ll go home after work and give us both a night to process the conversation.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler  

Perfect Alli: June 9, 2013

Alli: June 9, 2013

When Sarah dropped me at Thor’s apartment yesterday, I had already passed all the tests with my parents. They wanted an agenda for the trip with hotels and flights, but that was easy enough to fake and they seemed satisfied with what I had worked up. I told them that Megan was taking care of all the costs and I was just going as a favor to her. By the time I was done, they were completely convinced that Megan and I were flying into Los Angeles and renting a car so we could visit graduate schools. They even gave me spending money—$300 and I had my credit card (which they pay) just in case. I wondered if they would notice when the charges came from Mexico instead of California.

Sarah’s pep talk, in the car, helped me get centered. She reminded me that I was in charge and that I should always stay in my comfort zone.

“Thor is a guy and will push for what he can get, but that doesn’t mean anything. Just have fun,” she said.

I laughed because since Sarah’s breakup with her high school boyfriend she rarely dated. And for Sarah, love was required to give into the male determination. Maybe that’s why Internet dating worked for her—no pressure. I’m not Sarah though. Love just complicates life. Not that I would know. I’ve never been in love—never taken the time to see if it was even possible. I don’t think my parents love each other. At least not in the passionate way depicted in the movies. They tolerate one another and coexist in a symbiotic lifestyle that benefits them both. They’ve spent twenty-one years molding me into their likeness. Am I destined to settle for comfortable?

Once, when I was in high school, I walked in on Sarah’s parents making out in their kitchen—David’s hand on his wife’s ass, pulling her up into the kiss. Lust burned in their eyes even after I disturbed them. I was sixteen. I didn’t know passion existed inside a marriage. I stared wide-eyed at them as they laughed off my interruption. I’d never seen it at home. My parents’ idea of affection was a peck on the cheek or coming home at the end of a long workday and sharing a meal.

I think about Thor, and wonder if he and his ex had been together for so long that their hunger dissolved into coexistence? Unlike my parents Thor seems very passionate and why else would Nora cheat? From the little I’ve seen of him I can’t imagine a need to stray, but then again, I’ve never met his brother Harry. He must be amazing.

Thor didn’t talk much on the flight. We mostly slept. If I ever get married (which I doubt I will), I will not be spending my wedding night on an airplane. The idea is completely asinine. Exhausted from planning and executing the “most important day of your life,” you get on a plane—where you breathe air that has already been through three other people’s lungs—and then you spend a week in a foreign country popping vitamin C tabs trying to boost your immune system enough so that your exhausted body doesn’t cecum to whatever disease you were exposed to on your flight. Luckily Thor and I didn’t have the stress of a wedding. I did bring my vitamin C, though.

We’re lying on the beach right now, after getting into the hotel a couple of hours ago. Thor is sleeping on a lounge chair next to me, which allows me to examine his body more carefully. It really is quite beautiful. He definitely lifts weights…and does crunches, possibly in preparation for his honeymoon, but maybe more long term. He’s started a beard this week, but it’s perfectly groomed, like his hair. His hair. How does it stay flawlessly in place even while he sleeps? It makes me want to run my fingers through it just to mess it up. He would be the perfect picture of a man if not for his swim trunks. Big red hibiscus flowers on a turquoise background—yuck. The length alone dates his shorts, but the pattern is at least three seasons past its prime. I will have to find him something more current. Fashion is the one thing I can fix.

The sun threatens to sneak under the giant umbrella shading the two of us. Even though I have slathered on the sunscreen, I know I can’t sit here much longer without altering the shadow-maker. OK. I got up and fixed it. Thor didn’t even move. We should have another hour before I have to readjust. The view from our cover is unbelievable—white sand, crystal clear water and blue sky for as far as I can see. I forgot how loud the ocean is. The noise from the constant battering of the waves is like Melatonin on my brain, pushing me to sleep. I’m too anxious to give in though—worried about the sleeping arrangements or more accurately, the non-sleeping arrangements for the evening. I figure it will go one of two ways. Either Thor will be thinking about her and be too depressed to try anything with me or he’ll want to completely wrap his mind (or whatever) around me to forget her. I hate not knowing what to expect. I guess I’ll just have to plan for both. I’m in charge, right?
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: June 4, 2013

Alli: June 4, 2013

 

I met the girls in Stillwater for lunch this afternoon. The day was gorgeous. The sun warmed us as we sat at our usual table on the restaurant’s large deck. I hadn’t seen Sarah or Jessica since Memorial weekend and I hadn’t spoken to any of them since I agreed to go to Mexico with Thor. I held my tongue about the trip for a good thirty minutes, while Sarah told us all about her last date with the Internet guy. I didn’t say a word about how it was never going to work. I mean, the guy supposedly lived in Los Angeles, right? How was an online relationship ever going to become more when he wouldn’t even give her his last name? I guess it wasn’t just the trip, I was holding my tongue about.

Jessica and Jeff were back in their blissed state and Megan had met a guy at the gym she was thinking about asking out. Everything seemed back in place. Normal, for my friends. That is until Jessica asked, “Are you really going to Cancun with Thor?” Jeff had told her. Apparently Thor sent Jeff a text about it on Saturday morning.

I smiled, feeling a little ambushed, and tried not to scowl at Jessica. I had planned out exactly how I would work it into conversation and Jessica’s announcement threw me a bit. “I am. Do you have any ideas for what to tell my parents?”

“You can’t be serious. Isn’t that going to be a little weird shacking up with him in the honeymoon suite when he was supposed to be there with his new bride?” Jessica asked.

Yeah. That was going to be weird. “He said we could take it slow and he wasn’t going to pressure me into doing anything if I wasn’t ready. We’re just going to hang out at the beach, go snorkeling and relax. I need a vacation from my parents. It’s not that big of a deal.”

They stared at me as if I had just stripped my clothes off and was dancing on the table. I took a bite of my sandwich to avoid having to talk, trying not to think about what I had gotten myself into.

“Are you dating? Or looking for a relationship with him? How would you define it?” asked Sarah. She said it in a way that made me not want to answer her truthfully.

“Why?” I questioned.

“I’ve known him for a couple of years and he’s always been a really nice guy, but he just broke up with his fiancé. I worry that you and he want different things,” she answered.

“I don’t think that either of us is looking for a lifetime commitment. Once school starts, I won’t have time to date anyone. So at the most it’s probably just a summer fling.” And there it was my invisible bubble of protection. School. It prevented my emotions from getting slaughtered. I didn’t need to worry about getting hurt, because I always had my education to keep me from getting close to anyone.

“Does he know that?” asked Jessica.

“You know me. I’ll tell him.” Most guys loved that I didn’t get attached, but something told me that Thor was different. He wasn’t the typical drunken frat boy, who lived for one night hook ups, or the biology lab partner, who wantonly stared for weeks before asking me out. I figure that if I tell Thor up front at the beginning of our relationship it won’t be a surprise at the end of summer when I have to refocus my attention to school.
  
“So how are you going to get your passport from your mom?” Megan asked.

“I don’t know. Any ideas?” I hadn’t even thought about my passport.

“Well, you can’t say that you’re taking a trip with Sarah or even Jess. Your mom would call their parents to get the details. But you and I could take a trip—who is she going to call, my dad? She’d have to take your word for it. It will have to be somewhere warm because she will see what you pack.”

“My parents will look at my passport when I get back, so we either have to go to Cancun, which I doubt they will let me do, or I’ll have to sneak it from them.”

“You could say that you and Megan were going to California to check out grad schools,” stated Jessica. “Your mom would be all for you helping one of us better ourselves.” Megan was looking at a couple west coast schools and we had talked about taking a trip to get a better feel for them.

“If anyone is going to California, it should be me.” Sarah lip pouted out and I felt bad, realizing just how badly she wanted to meet the Internet guy.

“Checking out schools could work. My mom wouldn’t check it if it was a domestic trip and I could say I needed it because it's a better ID. I wouldn’t even have to sneak it.”

“As long as she doesn’t check it when you get back,” added Jessica.

“No, this could work,” I said. “I’m an adult. What can they do after the fact?” And though I sounded tough, I knew there was plenty my parents could do if they found out. “Those tracking devices they used in Hunger Games are illegal, right?”

“They wouldn’t need that. They would just lock you in your room,” said Megan before taking a sip of her iced tea.

“No I still have to become a doctor. I think they would go with a tracking device—probably put it in while I was sleeping.”

“You’d wake up with a big needle mark on your arm and a lump under your skin. And when you left the house it would glow green,” added Sarah with a chuckle.

“OK. We all know what my parents are capable of, but I think it’s my best bet. At least I will get to go.”

“My sister lost her passport once and had to get a duplicate. You could just tell your parents that you can’t find it. They’ll be angry at you, but probably not as mad as they would be if they found out that you shared a week of unwed pleasure with Thor,” stated Jessica.

I shook my head. I wasn’t even sure I would sleep with him. “I can deal with my parents.” Who was I kidding—my parents scared me to death. “I’m more worried about being alone with Thor. Tell me what I don’t know about him.”

“He told you about what broke up his engagement, right?” asked Sarah.

“Yes, but not until I completely embarrassed myself in front of his brothers.” I shared the story of what had happened on Friday night and how Thor said I was the only one who hadn’t treated him like he was suicidal. I told my friends everything and in the end they understood why I had to go on the trip. Thor may not have been suicidal, but he really needed a friend and I knew I could be that for him.

We used our phones to look up hotels and flights to make our school visitation story realistic just in case my parents wanted details. Sarah said she would drive me to meet Thor on Saturday and Megan promised to avoid Sarah’s and Jessica’s parents for the week. It appeared as if my deception would work. Now all I had to do was tell my parents.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Sarah's Journal: May 27, 2013

Sarah:  May 27, 2013 

When did I step into the Twilight Zone? I’m in the back seat heading home from the weirdest weekend that I have ever had in my life. I told Jeff and Jess that I was putting my headphones on so that I could write in my journal without distractions, but really I did it so they could talk. Something is messed up between them and they really need to figure it out. Jeff has been avoiding being alone with Jessica all weekend and she’s obviously miffed at him. Anyone could see it, especially after the bonfire. They better work it out because I’m pretty sure I would pick her if their relationship ended in a divorce and that would make for some really interesting family holidays.

Whatever their problem is, started when Mom caught them in bed together on Saturday morning. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, but at least it wasn’t my dad. He knows, though. Why couldn’t Mom just keep it to herself? Dad cornered me in the kitchen on Sunday morning and asked me how serious Jeff and Jessica were. Really? 

“They’re serious enough,” I said. The scowl on my face should have told him how uncomfortable I was talking about my brother and my best friend’s sex life, but he didn’t catch on.

“Your mother and I didn’t realize that they were so committed.”

“Well. They are,” I said, not sure what else to say. 

“They’re not getting engaged, are they?” He had the strangest look on his face.

I shook my head. Why do parents assume that their children are virgins until their wedding nights? They are such hypocrites. I mean, with the stories Mom tells—I don’t get it. I’m never going to be like that. My dad seemed satisfied with my answer and didn’t ask any more questions. My parents are usually forward thinkers. Usually. They accept people for who they are, faults and all, and don’t linger on past mistakes. That’s why this threw me. I’ve seen Alli’s parents practically dictate her life to her, not allowing her to make decisions—never giving her enough room to make them. My parents aren’t like them. Weekend in the Twilight Zone—totally.

And if drama-with-Dad wasn't bad enough, Jeff’s ex-roommate Thor showed up and unloaded his sad story on me while we were putting the dock in. I'm not lying. It was the epitome of a Gerry Springer show. Then at the bonfire, he starts flirting with me, even after I told him I was seeing someone. I am. I am seeing someone. Thor just broke up with his fiancé that week and he’s flirting with me? When Alli and Megan showed up, I was just looking for an escape. I should have had Megan sit next to him. She’s much more equipped to deal with guys like that. I felt sorry for him though. I thought that he would be better off with Alli, after all that he had been through. She’s usually sweet and doesn’t get too involved with guys. But I didn’t know she was on a bender weekend. Now what? She and Thor made plans for next Friday. I don’t want her to be his rebound. Do I tell her about Thor or do I give him the benefit of the doubt? Jeff says he’s always been a decent guy. Still, breakups change people. 

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: May 26, 2013

Alli:  May 26, 2013

The rain started before breakfast and there was no sign that it would ever stop. Jeff and Thor searched the static on the television for a working channel while the rest of us cleaned up the breakfast dishes. So unfair. Exhausted from our night of drinking, we opted to watch a DVD, when we finished in the kitchen. Jessica picked the movie, Love Twice—a friends-with-benefits type love story where the characters fake it until they fall in love. She and Jeff had seen it in the theater and Jessica claimed it would be worth our time.

I settled in the oversized chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. The couch had been claimed and I didn’t feel like sitting on the floor. As the opening credits ran, Thor squeezed in next to me. The chair stretched wide enough to seat us both but I wasn’t used to guys being that assertive. Most the guys, I dated, had to be told where to sit and where to put their hands. After last night when he asked me if he could kiss me, I guess, I expected him to ask before he made any sudden moves. I didn’t mind. I was just surprised. I sank into his warmth and he smiled that gorgeous smile. As the movie progressed to some very explicit scenes, his finger drew figure-eights on the back of my neck and he pulled my hand flat against his stomach. His rock hard stomach. I didn’t expect that either. And when did he get a shower? My hair still smelled like burnt wood from the bonfire, while his smelled clean and fresh and yummy.

When the movie ended Thor nudged me onto the screened porch. Closing the door behind us, he grasped my hips and drew me against him. I was sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t.  “Take a walk with me,” he said.

“In the rain?” I asked. “I’m not really a walking in the rain type girl.” I know it’s not very romantic but all I could think about was how my Italian leather boots would get wrecked in the mud and what the rain would do to my hair.

“Then, take a drive with me.” His voice almost hummed.

“OK,” I agreed.

Last night when I settled into my sleeping bag, I was positive all the girls were asleep, but Sarah’s voice whispered softly through the air. “Do you like him?”

“Yeah. He’s great,” I answered and then I regurgitated all of the problems that I’d been having with my parents, as if she hadn’t heard them before and how Thor was the perfect weekend distraction.

“Don’t hurt him,” she said, sitting up and glancing toward me.

“I’m not going to hurt him.” It came out of my mouth louder than I expected, and Megan groaned to notify me of my volume. Why would I hurt him?

“Just be upfront with him. If you don’t want a relationship, tell him. He just got royally screwed by his now ex.”

“Screwed how?” I asked.

Sarah paused the way she does when she’s not quite sure what to say. “It’s not my place to tell you.”

“Then why did you mention it?” blared Megan. Thank you, Megan.

“Just be honest with him,” added Sarah.

It all flashed through my head as Thor held me on the porch. And I was supposed to go for a ride with him without worrying about what his last girlfriend looked like or why they broke up or how she screwed him. How was I supposed to be honest with him when I didn’t know what I wanted? Really, it’s not like we’d even gone on a date. Why was I worrying about this?

We dashed to his pick-up truck and he stood getting drenched outside my door, waiting to close it for me. When we hit the paved road, a half a mile from the house, he cranked the heat and asked me to take the wheel. The farm road was straight, but I had to scoot across the bench seat to steer. With his hands-free, he reached back and pulled his rain saturated T-shirt over his head. Holy Crap! He was ripped.
 
He smirked at my expression and said, “Feel free to do the same. Wouldn't want you to get chilled.”

I know I was still gawking when he took control of the wheel again, but I managed to spit out, “No. I’m good.”

The smile grew on his face. “Tell me about, Alli.” The nerdy edge that I'd seen last night was completely gone and he wasn’t acting, at all, like he had ever been hurt.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Sarah's Journal: May 26, 2013

Sarah:  May 26, 2013

Here I am another memorial weekend without a boyfriend to snuggle with in front of the bonfire. I don’t know what Will is. Can I consider him my boyfriend? I feel like we’re dating. Neither of us is seeing anyone else, but how real can it be if we’ve never met?

Will and I connected online Thursday night and I shared my plans for the weekend up at the lake. I told him that it would probably be raining and cold like it always was on Memorial Day weekend. I would have given anything for him to say, “I’ll keep you warm.” No such luck. I told him I wouldn’t be able to meet up with him because there was no Internet at the cabin.

“How does that make you feel?” he asked. I knew he was making fun of me. One of my psych professors hammered that phrase into my head for two semesters and it slips out of my mouth more than I like to admit. It is really just an open-ended question to provoke discussion, but I must have written it more than once to Will.

“I’m screaming inside,” I answered.

Then he said something that really threw me off. “And that’s why I love you.” I stared at my computer screen in disbelief for a moment as I tried to figure out if his words meant anything. Normally I would have just let it go. People say stuff like that all the time. But that one line scrambled my brain and I didn’t know how to respond.

I must have paused too long because he added. “Just the reaction I wanted.” What did that mean? Was he being sarcastic? Was the reaction my hesitation or my screaming? Brain freeze!!! I decided that he must have meant my screaming and he was just clarifying his first statement. I moved on.

“What are you doing this weekend?” I asked.

“Working.”

“How does that make you feel?” I typed, trying to make him laugh.

“I’m screaming like a little girl inside,” he wrote.

“Now you’re mocking me.”

“Yep. How does that make you feel?”

“Shut up. Are you ever going to tell me what you do at your job?” I like that he gets my sense of humor. He seems to know exactly what I’m thinking. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

“Nope,” he answered after another long pause.

“Had to think about that one?” I asked.

“Trust me. You don’t want to know.”

“It doesn’t matter what you do. I would still like you even if you cleaned bathrooms for a living,” I wrote.

“So you like me?” he asked

“Obviously.”

Then some idiot that was not invited to our chat wrote, “I like you too, Sarah. Can I get a BJ too?” What an ass! The guy continued vomiting disgusting comments, one after another, as if he had listened to our entire conversation. We’ve never been interrupted in a private chat room before and even after we changed sites I couldn’t get the guy out of my head. I didn’t feel as free to open up online as I had before. I guess people like him are the reason why Will never wants to share our phone numbers or emails over the Internet. I just thought he was being paranoid, but I wouldn’t want that guy calling me. How are Will and I ever going to meet? It seems impossible.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: May 25, 2013

Alli:  May 25, 2013

I can do this. I can act the part for another summer. I’ve done it all my life—played the devoted daughter and perfect student. I’m really good at it. Most people believe I’m all that. They don’t see the real me. They don’t see my failures or the times when I do the opposite of what I’m told, just to push back. They don’t see that I’m barely holding on.

My parents know I’m not perfect. They tell me every day how lacking I am. They nag my faults and network for me, so their only child doesn’t embarrass them. Regardless of what they tell their friends and coworkers about how smart I am or how well I scored on my MCATS, I know I will never meet their standards.

I was thrilled to be able to crawl out from under their magnifying glass and escape to Sarah’s parent’s lake home for the weekend. Sarah calls it a cabin, but it's really a lake home. Megan and I drove up together, arriving after sunset. The cold night air chilled us when we stepped out of Megan’s Beetle. We followed the smoke trail to the bonfire by the lake. Perched in folding chairs around the fire pit, our friends were already a few drinks ahead of us and were laughing hysterically about some story Jeff had just shared. A clean-shaven prep-boy sat next to Sarah and I wondered if it was her Internet guy. As she got up to greet us, she said, “Why don’t you take my chair, Alli and I’ll grab a couple more from the boathouse.” She linked me and the guy with her eyes before disappearing into the dark abyss surrounding the fire.

As I settled into Sarah’s chair, Jeff introduced the guy as his ex-roommate from UW, Thor.

“Thor? Really?” I said with a chuckle.

And prep-boy laughed, a carefree, sexy laugh. “Ted,” he said, handing me a hard lemonade and lighting up the night with a gorgeous smile.

“We called him Thor because he wielded a giant mallet,” Jeff stated, waving his hand over his head as if he was swinging a massive hammer.

“Only when something wasn’t working. I called it my Persuader. Every engineer has his methods,” Thor added.

He didn’t really look like a Thor. His muscles ran long and lean, visible, but not bulky. He wore a black North Face jacket with jeans and an oxford. He was definitely my type, masculine with a slight nerdy edge. I could see why Sarah had pushed me to sit next to him. What I didn’t understand was why Megan started flirting with him. She tossed her blonde hair back and introduced herself. She asked him a few questions and sat down crossing her long legs, the way she does when she’s seducing a guy.

Normally, it wouldn’t bother me, but I was looking for a distraction—an escape from my parents, from the summer job that they forced me into at the hospital, and from the pressure of getting into medical school. I don’t usually seek out guys, relationships are messy and more work than I have time for, but I was fleeing responsibility and everything ordered, at least for the weekend. Besides, Thor was not Megan’s type at all. Didn’t she just break up with Peterson because he was too all-American for her? She liked guys with a dark crazy side and Thor was about as clean cut as they come. I knew she was toying with him on purpose, disregarding me because of my usual lack of interest. I could see it before me—she’d pour on her flirt and within minutes Thor would be putty in her hands.

Maybe I felt sorry for him or maybe I was feeling entitled when I leaned into Megan’s ear and whispered, “I want him,” like he was a piece of candy or a new dress. It’s not that I wanted to sleep with him and Megan knew that. She knows I’m usually PG-13 and that may have been what was behind the smirk she was giving me. But then, without a word, she stood, squeezed my shoulder and walked up the lawn toward the house. By the time she returned, a large chocolate bar in her hand, I was deep in conversation with Thor and had made my claim. She smiled at me as she sat down and began talking to Sarah.

Hours later as the fire dwindled and my friends started getting up to go inside, Thor and I sat silent, ignoring the others' banter about getting to bed. I don’t know what I was hoping for. I just wanted more time with him. When everyone had abandoned us and the fire was out, he said, “You look cold.” He reached for my hand and pulled me onto his lap. “That’s better. Can I kiss you?” he asked, his eyes dark and sincere.

I couldn’t believe he was asking. Couldn’t he tell by the fact that I let him pull me onto his lap? I nodded and his lips met mine so tenderly that it stopped my breath. One of his hands slid into my hair at the back of my neck, his other to my knee. His tongue swept my mouth, sending heat to my very core and releasing all the tension that had been trapped inside me for so long.

After several minutes, he pulled back and said, “I suppose we should head in too.” I didn't want to go in, but I didn't know what would happen if we stayed. We walked hand in hand into the house and before we each went our separate ways, he kissed me one more time.

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. I can't wait to be imperfect.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Sarah's Journal: May 18, 2013

Sarah:  May 18, 2013

Will took me to the Met in NYC for our date on Friday. I didn’t even know that was possible. It turns out you can tour the museum online. It wasn’t like we could touch the art, but we wouldn't have been able to touch it in the museum anyway, so what’s the difference. I suppose if we had been together, I would have been able to hold his hand or feel his arm as it curled around my waist. That would have been better. Instead, I sat on my bed, in front of my laptop, in my pajamas, while we simultaneously enlarged photos to see the art up close. We probably saw more different kinds of art than we would have if we were actually there. Sculptures, paintings, pottery—we saw it all.

He showed me a sketch of the Greek demigod Perseus holding Medusa’s head, penciled by a Swiss artist. It was just a black and white sketch, but he seemed enamored by it. Honestly, to me, it wasn’t as impressive as some of the colorful French paintings, but the depth and realism of the sketch made it look like the figures were carved in marble instead of drawn.

He asked, “So? What do you think?” He was so funny as if he was revealing a piece of his soul by showing me it.

Even though I didn’t give him the enthusiastic reaction he wanted, he didn’t get discouraged. He continued to explain the significance of Medusa’s head, how Perseus captured it and what he did with it after he got it. As Will shared Perseus’ history with me, most of which I already knew from literature, I was amazed by his take on it. It was fresh and updated, and he definitely knew more than I did about Greek gods. He asked me if I had seen the movie The Demigod.

“Of course.” I typed. “Everyone’s seen it. It’s our generation’s Titanic. Besides the actor who played Perseus is really hot.”

I’m pretty sure that was the wrong thing to say because he changed the subject after that and didn't make his usual hilarious comeback. I hope he doesn’t think that he has to live up to some intangible hottie, because I don’t really care what he looks like. OK, I care a little bit, but looks aren’t everything. A guy’s personality always shows through and outweighs his looks, either negatively or positively. I’ve seen guys who from across the room look god-like, heavenly glow and all, but when they open their mouths they morph into a hideous Neanderthal. And I used to think it was strange how some couples seem so mismatched in their looks. Why would a nine date a five? But in my vast experience (of twenty years) I’ve learned that the five’s personality makes them even or the other way around. Will’s personality makes him better looking than any guy I’ve ever dated and I don’t have a clue what he looks like.

Jessica's Way: May 17, 2013

Jessica:  May 17, 2013

It’s Friday and I have one more final left tomorrow before I’m officially a senior. Most of my housemates have dug in for a night of studying, everyone except Sarah. She's done for the year. Twenty minutes ago, she stood in my doorway wearing her pajamas and mentioned something about having a date tonight. When I called her on her fashion choice, she said, "This is what I'm going to wear." I know she isn’t leaving the house in her PJs. Does she really think that she’s dating that Internet guy? I hope Sarah hasn’t gone blind. She has to see that the guy is a con. Just a couple of months ago, there was that football player in the news who got scammed online by a guy. It’s happening everywhere.

At first, when she told me about Will, I thought that Megan had set it up to get Sarah out of her three and a half year slump, but even Megan wouldn’t take it this far. Then I thought that maybe it was Sarah’s ex, Matt, but he would never put so much effort into it if there was no reward. Or maybe it is him. He could be trying to find a way back into Sarah’s life. I wouldn’t put that past him. Will’s story seems a bit far fetched. Seriously? A movie director’s son? How gullible does he think she is? I'm pretty sure that Matt would never believe Sarah was that stupid.

When Will first started to reveal himself to Sarah, she and I spent a couple of hours searching the Internet looking for something that would match with what he had told her and though he didn’t say his father was famous, he did say his family’s secrets were all over the Internet. Maybe not in those words, but something like that. We found a couple possible leads, but nothing fit perfectly. I can’t imagine anyone would want to hurt Sarah, but I’m not going to believe the Internet guy’s story until I meet him in person and probably not even then. Sarah will figure it out. She’s not one to dive in head first.

Besides, I’m sure Jeff will say something to her tonight. He'll set her straight. He is very protective of his little sister. He’s coming over at eleven. I told him I would be done studying by then. I can’t concentrate with him here. I usually study on my bed and he always finds a way to push my books aside. Once his fingers are skimming across my stomach or trailing along my thigh, I’m a goner. My books end up on the floor and I never get back to them. So I banned him from the house while I’m studying, but when I’m done, he’s welcome. I sleep better with him next to me and a girl needs a good night’s sleep before finals, right?

Megan's Blog: May 12, 2013

Megan:  May 12, 2013

The party on Friday was a bust, well, not completely. I did meet an exceptionally devourable hottie named Kellan, but I never met up with Evan’s. I doubt he even showed up to the party at all. His loss.

I’m glad that Jessica came with me. She rarely escapes that boyfriend of hers and she needs to get out from under his reign every once in a while. She’s a different person when Jeff isn't around, a bit wilder, less inhibited. The party started off with beer pong, and I know if Jeff had been there she wouldn't have played. Our opponents were decent looking, one a business major and the other biology. The shorter one, with the beard, had the most gorgeous eyes, bright blue outlined with a ring of brown. He thought that we were an easy target and kept telling us how no girls could defeat him and his buddy. I liked his cockiness, but it just made me more determined to prove him wrong.

Jessica is almost as good at pong as I am and we made a great team. We trashed the guys pretty badly in the first game. Then we completely humiliated them in the second one, when Jessica scored a “bitch cup” shot. As the guy psyched himself up to down his last loss, she bounced the ball off the table, landing it with a splash in the cup he was holding. I think gorgeous eyes was too preoccupied with Jessica's boobs to notice where she was aiming. Funny, the guys didn't want to play a third game—too scared of losing to girls again, I guess, or maybe they were just too drunk.

After a while, I could tell Jessica was getting bored, but she still stuck with me in my search for Evans. That’s more than Alli would have done in the same situation. Alli would have bolted the second the party wasn't meeting her needs. She’s not one to help out a friend if she’s not getting anything out of it. I shouldn't say that. She can be a good wingman, but only when the Gods are smiling and the moon is three-quarters full. Jessica and Sarah, on the other hand, will try to make the best of any situation and Jessica won’t abandon you at a party. If you go with her, you’re going home with her. I used to fight her on it, but she’s saved me more than a few times and I have to respect her resolve to keep her roommates from morning-after regrets.

I got Kellan’s number before we left, so the night wasn't a complete loss.

Jessica's Way: May 11, 2013

Jessica:  May 11, 2013

Boyfriends suck! Last night, at six pm, mine decided that he was going out with the guys. Jeff doesn't meet up with friends that often and I wasn't mad that he was going out with them. He needs guy-time. But why couldn’t he make plans with them a week ago or even the day before? His lack of planning didn't leave me with many options for a Friday night. It's not Jeff's fault—I know planning ahead just isn't in the Y chromosome.

Sometimes I’m sure that I’m in love with him, though. And other times, like last night, I just want to shoot him. Is that love? (According to P!nk it is.)

How am I supposed to know what love is with the role models God gave me? Mom is so neurotic that I’m surprised she can even hold a job, let alone have a relationship. And my dad? His second marriage just ended because he was cheating on his wife with a woman who is the same age as my sister. Really? I can’t even look at him.

At least I know I can trust Jeff to never cheat on me. He’s the opposite of my father. His sister, Sarah, and I have been best friends since middle school and it seems like I've known Jeff most of my cognitive life. He and I are connected. We always have been. And he’s the most honest person I've ever met. Sometimes his morality is really annoying, but at least I can trust him.

Since I was left with no plans last night, I tagged along with Megan to a house party and while she searched and searched, without success, for the mythical guy that had invited her, I chatted it up with a hundred people that I had never met before. Staring across the backyard at the alcohol-induced mating dances before me, I realized that I didn't want to be there. Nothing the strangers said interested me. Every conversation I had with a girl, I had had before, and every guy I talked to couldn't take his eyes off my chest. What a waste of time. I only stayed because of Megan. It’s girl code—don’t let a girl go to a party alone and don’t ever abandon her there. I’m a firm believer in that particular commandment.

Sarah's Journal: May 5, 2013

Sarah:  May 5, 2013

I stayed off the Internet for the last three days, got both my papers written and transferred my notes from American Lit to my phone so I can listen to them while I ride the bus. I should be able to go through them all at least once before the final. I deserve a reward for all my hard work, right? I do, don’t I?

When I get home I’m going to check the gossip site for Will. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I've missed him. It was hard not clicking on the website and searching for his username in the comments. Part of me wants Will to disappear to where I can’t find him so I won’t get hurt when he turns out to be a fraud. It would be easier if we just never connected again. Eventually, he would erase from my memory—probably. But the other part of me wants to meet him and date him and lose myself in him. I think I just need to be more direct and ask him specifics, like where he lives and why he doesn't have a last name. Then maybe I will feel better about wasting my time.

Megan's Blog: May 4, 2013

Megan:  May 3, 2013
The thing with Peterson had stretched out way past the last game of the season and I was starting to contemplate cheating on him with one of his friends, like Evans, just so he would see what an awful person I am and end it. Most guys can see a breakup coming and step up so they can be in control. With Peterson’s laid-back attitude I wasn’t sure he would take the lead. But then the text came on Tuesday, telling me he was coming over to talk. What a relief. I was ready for the usual quick ten-minute breakup that I’ve been through so many times before, but nothing is ever that easy. He spent twenty minutes talking to my housemates. He gets along with my friends—that’s another drawback of breaking up with Dylan Peterson. Finally, in front of everyone, I said, “You wanted to talk?” Sarah and Jessica went silent and then made excuses to leave the kitchen. Alli gave Peterson a hug and then followed the others out of the room. They knew what was coming. They know me.

“Not here,” he said in a stern voice that I hadn’t heard before as he motioned toward the door.

I followed him upstairs to my room, where he proceeded to make himself at home. He removed his shoes and stretched out on my bed, patting the space next to him for me to lie down.

But I knew I couldn’t give in. I crossed my arms in front of me, a little irked that he was taking so long and said, “I thought you wanted to talk.”

“I do.” He stared at me like he was searching for the right words.
 
“Then talk,” I said, getting more annoyed as time ticked by.

“What’s going on with us, Megan? Are we ending?” he asked.

“If that’s what you want.” I tried to inflect that it was him making the decision. It’s better that way.
His lips hardened and he shook his head not meeting my eyes. “Is it what you want? Ever since basketball ended, you’ve been pushing me away. You haven’t stayed over in weeks and this is only the second time that I’ve ever been on your bed.”

I could have put it back on him, implying that he put too much emphasis on sex, but I didn’t want to burn bridges. I like Peterson. He’s not the mushy type and he doesn’t expect much from me, which is good because I don’t give much. “Finals are coming and then summer. You told me you’re working at that football camp up north. You may as well be in another state. I don’t expect you to be faithful. I know that’s too much to ask. Why pretend?”

“Is that all this is about. I never know what’s going on in that head of yours, Megan.” He grabbed my hand the pulled me toward him. “I thought it was another guy,” he added.

I wasn’t going to tell him it was lots of other guys. I shook my head, climbed up on the bed next to him and draped my arm across his chest.

He smiled and said, “I understand. Summer’s a long time.”

We laid there for another half hour, without talking, before he had to leave for work. When he left we kissed goodbye. Even though it took so long, it was one of my better breakups and now I’m a free agent again. Not that I was tied down to Peterson, but he has a lot of friends and I’m not the type to humiliate a guy in front of his buddies. Not that I haven’t done it before—I have. But just twice and they both deserved it, Peterson doesn’t.

Despite my roommates telling me that I need to break it off completely, I can’t. I know it’s not fair to Peterson, but part of me wants to hang on to the big Teddy Bear, so I blamed my insecurities. “What’s going to happen once school ends? You’re moving home for the summer, right? Are we really going to keep it going with you out in Minnetonka and me in Stillwater? It’s an hour drive without road construction. What’s it going to be like this summer once every road in the Cities is down to one lane? Do you think we can keep it together with texts? I’d rather end it now before we hate each other.” 

He took a deep breath and pushed his head into my pillow. “Is it another guy?” Of course, he would assume that.

 “It’s not another guy.” I climbed up on the bed and straddle his chest. “I’m really bad with distance and I don’t think it is fair to expect you to stay faithful this summer when we’re so far apart. We’ll never see each other.”

“It’s not that far. People commute further than that every day for work.”

“Not me. I can’t do it. I know that if I’m spending my entire summer trying to connect, I’m going to end up despising you. I don’t want that and right now I have to concentrate on school. Finals are in less than two weeks. When classes start again in the fall, we can see where we’re at and go from there. I like you, Peterson. Basketball wouldn’t be the same without you.” I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. It didn’t take more than a second for him to respond—everywhere. If he weren’t so easy-going he would have stormed out of my room before it got to that point. Maybe he just knew how to play me, but I felt bad and whispered, “One last time?”  

 

Sarah's Journal: May 2, 2013

Sarah:  May 2, 2013

It snowed three inches last night. What the hell? It’s May. It is not supposed to snow in May, even in Minnesota. I guess this is why my dad never plants his tomatoes outside until the middle of the month. I hate cold weather this time of year. Most the guys on campus have been wearing shorts and flip-flops for at least two weeks, and once Minnesotans switch to their summer wardrobes, it requires much more than a few inches of snow for them to pull their cold clothes back on. Still, it pains me to see people wearing flip-flops in the snow. I’m a freeze-baby and all I want to do is stay home where it’s warm and I can chat with the Internet guy.

The Internet guy. Maybe it’s not the weather. I don’t know why I can’t get Will out of my head. He sucked me in and I can’t let him go. He’s just too perfect. In my mind, I can imagine his arms wrapped around me and me melting into his chest as we laugh about some hilarious Internet story. I can’t picture his face, though. I wish I had a photo of him. Jessica thinks he’s a “catfish” like on that MTV show where people fake who they are to seduce someone online. That would crush me. She’s probably right. I really need to stop wasting my time. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have finals in two weeks and two papers to write. What am I thinking?

Megan's Blog: April 28, 2013

Megan:  April 28, 2013

I was right. Scott really wanted Sarah. He was all over me today, trying to extract her phone number from me. I met Peterson and him for lunch, and it was the first thing that came out of Scott’s mouth.

“I've got to get her number,” he said. “Your friend is exactly what I need, but I didn't have enough time to work my magic. Just give me her number.” He took out his phone, so confident.

I told him “no,” and he set his phone on the table, staring at me like I had just taken a sledgehammer to his Xbox one.

“Come on. My mojo was all off that night. She didn't get to see the real me or she definitely would have been all over this.” He flexed his biceps and I started laughing, unable to control myself. “What’s so funny? You can’t tell me that you don’t want a piece of this.”

I was still laughing when Peterson wrapped his arm around me and spoke up. “Not a chance, douche lord. Not when she’s got me.”

“You’re not her type,” I told Scott, trying hard not to crush his fragile self-esteem. Guys who plump their feathers the biggest are usually the easiest to break.

“What, is she into girls?”

I explained to the Lord of Douches that not every girl who’s not into him is a lesbian. Why do guys always say that? It’s such a copout. I like our new nickname for him, though. It fits him. “Sarah likes a guy with some depth, Douche Lord.”

“I can show her some depth,” he said, stroking the front of his jeans.

I rolled my eyes. “And that is exactly why she would never date you. She wants a guy that sees beyond his dick and actually cares about the world. She will never go out with you. You may as well give it up. You’re too self-satisfying.” So much for protecting his ego. Now it was Peterson’s turn to laugh.

Scott scoffed like he still thought she was gay, and then took a long sip of his coke with a contemplative expression. I thought for a minute that he might understand my point after all, but then he told me to make sure she was at their next party so Sarah could decide for herself. I rolled my eyes again. Some guys will never understand women.

Sarah's Journal: April 26, 2013

Sarah:  April 26, 2013

He was there again. I can’t believe it. Cracked23 appeared again after I commented on some ridiculous article. I think I’m just going to that site to talk to him. He’s so funny. He totally gets my sense of humor. His name is Will. He told me today. He doesn't have a last name apparently, “only Will.”
I asked if I googled “Will” would I find a picture of him?

“I don’t know. I've never done it before, but my face is all over the internet. I’m totally famous so it wouldn't surprise me,” he typed. “If a guy pops up, decent looking—dark hair, blue eyes, it’s probably me.”

I tried it and ended up with a list of will writing services. We both LOL’d. He kept commenting on how everyone needed a “Will.” He’s so self-assured that I’m starting to doubt the couch potato theory.

Hmm…dark hair and blue eyes—I can definitely work with that.

Megan's Blog: April 20, 2013

Megan:  April 20, 2013 

  

I took the girls to Peterson’s party last night. Even Alli came. She’s been so disconnected lately, so focused on school that I was certain she would make an excuse not to go. I guess now that she’s finished her MCATs, she’ll start showing her face again. It was like old times with the four of us girls out together, and the way the frat boys’ eyes popped when we came through the door was well worth our effort. The drool was dripping off their chins by the time we got our cups. It’s not like we were the only girls there, but I could still hear Peterson’s man card points racking up with his buddies, and I couldn't stop laughing as his frat brothers slapped his shoulder and tossed him a nod. The dance that guys do to show their appreciation is comical.

His roommate, Scott, really wanted Sarah, but she wasn't biting—not that she would ever go for a guy like Scott. He’s forward like Peterson, too aggressive for Sarah. Ever since Matt, she only dates a select few and never a guy from a party. I don’t know why she takes guys so seriously. They can’t hurt you unless you let them. I don’t let them.