Jessica's Way: July 6, 2013

Jessica:  July 6, 2013

We were all up at Jeff’s family’s lake home for the fourth of July weekend—Sarah, Megan, Trent (Megan’s guy of the moment), Jeff and I. Alli had to work on the weekend at the hospital, so she and Thor left by noon on Friday. I was surprised when Thor came back up to the lake this morning though. I thought he and Alli were going to have a quiet weekend together. That’s what he had told Jeff when he left. I guess he changed his mind.

I didn’t realize that Thor and Alli had a fight until he corners me on the end of the dock.

“She hasn’t even told her parents about me,” he says, sitting down next to me on the bench. “I’m a decent looking guy. I’m going to grad school. Am I that much of a loser that her parents wouldn’t approve?”

I can’t help but laugh. He is indecently fine looking sitting next to me without his shirt. I know that he’s Jeff’s best friend, but still. That isn’t why I am laughing though. He obviously has no clue what Alli’s parents were like or he would never want to meet them. “Trust me, you don’t want them to know you exist.”

“What does that mean?”

I’m not sure if I should go into detail, but I think he deserves to know what he is in for if he wants a relationship with Alli. “Her parents are a bit overbearing. It is not worth meeting them if this is just going to be a summer thing.”

His brow furrows and his eyes squint as he glares at me. What did I say?

“Suppose they found out about me, what would happen?”

“They would very politely invite you out for dinner at the club, where they would interrogate you endlessly about your career plans and religious beliefs. And when you didn’t measure up, they would condemn you. Not because you’re a bad person, but because no one, not even themselves, can meet their standards. Then they would pinpoint your flaws and make sure that Alli was aware of each and every one of them, tenfold.” I pause hoping that helps clarify it for him. His scowl tells me I need to add more. “When I first met her mom, she tried to convince Alli that I wasn’t good friend material because my parents were going through a divorce and I was going to suck Alli dry with my emotional neediness. That was her conclusion though she had talked to me for no more than ten minutes. With guys, it’s worse. If you think Alli’s type-A personality is high strung now just wait and see what she’s like when her parents get all riled up.”

He looks out over the water following a speedboat with his eyes as it loops around the edge of the lake. “We’ve never even talked about religious differences.”

“I’m not trying to turn you off from Alli. She’s not like her folks. She views the world around her without blinders and can see outside the box. It’s just best to not stir the pot with her parents.”

“I thought she was Catholic. She went to a Catholic high school.”

“Her Nana is Catholic. But her parents joined a non-denominational church when Alli was in her teens. It’s a little extreme. I think it turned Alli off to all organized religions. You should probably talk to her about it. But I know for me with my mom’s crazy family, no one ever listens to anyone else with an open mind, so I’ve learned not to discuss religion or politics if I can help it. It just leaves me frustrated when I do. Alli probably feels the same way with her parents. It’s easier to let them assume she agrees with them. If she doesn’t make waves then she can live her life in peace.”

I could see the cogs of Thor’s brain turning in his expression. I hope I didn’t say anything wrong. I just wanted to help. He seemed so dejected, and he doesn’t deserve the psychological torture that Alli’s parents inflict. Sometimes Alli doesn’t realize that her parents don’t just affect her. They affect everyone she touches.

I hear the clomping of flip-flops against the wooden slats of the dock and I look back to see Jeff and the rest of the gang coming toward us in their swimsuits. I don’t know what else to say to Thor. I rise as Jeff spins the oversized wheel of the boatlift, clinking with each turn, to lower the boat. We’re going skiing and I still need to get my suit on before the boat leaves without me. I touch Thor’s shoulder and ask, “Are you OK?”

He nods and I know that is all I will get now that everyone else is on the dock. I squeeze past the group and hustle inside to get changed. Thor has to figure the rest out on his own. Alli is right to keep him away from her parents. I hope he understands.

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: June 4, 2013

Alli: June 4, 2013

 

I met the girls in Stillwater for lunch this afternoon. The day was gorgeous. The sun warmed us as we sat at our usual table on the restaurant’s large deck. I hadn’t seen Sarah or Jessica since Memorial weekend and I hadn’t spoken to any of them since I agreed to go to Mexico with Thor. I held my tongue about the trip for a good thirty minutes, while Sarah told us all about her last date with the Internet guy. I didn’t say a word about how it was never going to work. I mean, the guy supposedly lived in Los Angeles, right? How was an online relationship ever going to become more when he wouldn’t even give her his last name? I guess it wasn’t just the trip, I was holding my tongue about.

Jessica and Jeff were back in their blissed state and Megan had met a guy at the gym she was thinking about asking out. Everything seemed back in place. Normal, for my friends. That is until Jessica asked, “Are you really going to Cancun with Thor?” Jeff had told her. Apparently Thor sent Jeff a text about it on Saturday morning.

I smiled, feeling a little ambushed, and tried not to scowl at Jessica. I had planned out exactly how I would work it into conversation and Jessica’s announcement threw me a bit. “I am. Do you have any ideas for what to tell my parents?”

“You can’t be serious. Isn’t that going to be a little weird shacking up with him in the honeymoon suite when he was supposed to be there with his new bride?” Jessica asked.

Yeah. That was going to be weird. “He said we could take it slow and he wasn’t going to pressure me into doing anything if I wasn’t ready. We’re just going to hang out at the beach, go snorkeling and relax. I need a vacation from my parents. It’s not that big of a deal.”

They stared at me as if I had just stripped my clothes off and was dancing on the table. I took a bite of my sandwich to avoid having to talk, trying not to think about what I had gotten myself into.

“Are you dating? Or looking for a relationship with him? How would you define it?” asked Sarah. She said it in a way that made me not want to answer her truthfully.

“Why?” I questioned.

“I’ve known him for a couple of years and he’s always been a really nice guy, but he just broke up with his fiancé. I worry that you and he want different things,” she answered.

“I don’t think that either of us is looking for a lifetime commitment. Once school starts, I won’t have time to date anyone. So at the most it’s probably just a summer fling.” And there it was my invisible bubble of protection. School. It prevented my emotions from getting slaughtered. I didn’t need to worry about getting hurt, because I always had my education to keep me from getting close to anyone.

“Does he know that?” asked Jessica.

“You know me. I’ll tell him.” Most guys loved that I didn’t get attached, but something told me that Thor was different. He wasn’t the typical drunken frat boy, who lived for one night hook ups, or the biology lab partner, who wantonly stared for weeks before asking me out. I figure that if I tell Thor up front at the beginning of our relationship it won’t be a surprise at the end of summer when I have to refocus my attention to school.
  
“So how are you going to get your passport from your mom?” Megan asked.

“I don’t know. Any ideas?” I hadn’t even thought about my passport.

“Well, you can’t say that you’re taking a trip with Sarah or even Jess. Your mom would call their parents to get the details. But you and I could take a trip—who is she going to call, my dad? She’d have to take your word for it. It will have to be somewhere warm because she will see what you pack.”

“My parents will look at my passport when I get back, so we either have to go to Cancun, which I doubt they will let me do, or I’ll have to sneak it from them.”

“You could say that you and Megan were going to California to check out grad schools,” stated Jessica. “Your mom would be all for you helping one of us better ourselves.” Megan was looking at a couple west coast schools and we had talked about taking a trip to get a better feel for them.

“If anyone is going to California, it should be me.” Sarah lip pouted out and I felt bad, realizing just how badly she wanted to meet the Internet guy.

“Checking out schools could work. My mom wouldn’t check it if it was a domestic trip and I could say I needed it because it's a better ID. I wouldn’t even have to sneak it.”

“As long as she doesn’t check it when you get back,” added Jessica.

“No, this could work,” I said. “I’m an adult. What can they do after the fact?” And though I sounded tough, I knew there was plenty my parents could do if they found out. “Those tracking devices they used in Hunger Games are illegal, right?”

“They wouldn’t need that. They would just lock you in your room,” said Megan before taking a sip of her iced tea.

“No I still have to become a doctor. I think they would go with a tracking device—probably put it in while I was sleeping.”

“You’d wake up with a big needle mark on your arm and a lump under your skin. And when you left the house it would glow green,” added Sarah with a chuckle.

“OK. We all know what my parents are capable of, but I think it’s my best bet. At least I will get to go.”

“My sister lost her passport once and had to get a duplicate. You could just tell your parents that you can’t find it. They’ll be angry at you, but probably not as mad as they would be if they found out that you shared a week of unwed pleasure with Thor,” stated Jessica.

I shook my head. I wasn’t even sure I would sleep with him. “I can deal with my parents.” Who was I kidding—my parents scared me to death. “I’m more worried about being alone with Thor. Tell me what I don’t know about him.”

“He told you about what broke up his engagement, right?” asked Sarah.

“Yes, but not until I completely embarrassed myself in front of his brothers.” I shared the story of what had happened on Friday night and how Thor said I was the only one who hadn’t treated him like he was suicidal. I told my friends everything and in the end they understood why I had to go on the trip. Thor may not have been suicidal, but he really needed a friend and I knew I could be that for him.

We used our phones to look up hotels and flights to make our school visitation story realistic just in case my parents wanted details. Sarah said she would drive me to meet Thor on Saturday and Megan promised to avoid Sarah’s and Jessica’s parents for the week. It appeared as if my deception would work. Now all I had to do was tell my parents.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: June 1, 2013

Jessica:  June 1, 2013

Thor. I’m not sure what to think about him. He’s Jeff’s best friend. They were roommates for two years and they get along really well, but I just don’t know if I like him. Honestly, I don’t really know him that well. I’ve only met him a couple of times when he and Nora came to the Cities to visit. He was always with Nora and he seemed so different last weekend now that she is no longer in the picture.

Sarah said that he was flirting with her even after she told him she wasn’t interested. And normally that wouldn’t have bothered her, but somehow his hand, not so innocently, kept landing on the top of her thigh or touching her breast. As much as guys hate to admit it, women balance them. I think he and Nora dated for four years. Maybe Nora balanced Thor or maybe he just lost it because he hasn’t been single for so long. Alli had a date with him last night and I tried to warn her beforehand that he’d been a little off since his break up, but of course, she wouldn’t listen. She never listens. She said she wanted to form her own opinion. I said, “Fine. I’ve got my own problems to handle.” And I did.

Jeff and I hadn't spoken all week. He had apologized, via text, for the lack of contact on Monday night. He said that he met Thor at the bar after he dropped me off and he just lost track of time. By the time he got home, he figured I was already asleep. Really? He was out with Thor? I thought he had to work in the morning?

Frustrated by Jeff’s lack of attention during the week, and convinced that Thor’s breakup was to blame, I sent Jeff the dreaded text that no man ever wants to see from his girlfriend. I didn’t know what else to do.

We need to talk.

I’ll be over after work tomorrow, he replied.

The next day when I opened the door to let him in he watched me apprehensively, his eyes wide. He followed me up to my room without a word. Once inside, he leaned against the door until it clicked closed, and then slid to the floor with his back propped against the exit.

Even though I had contemplated what I would say for days, the words were gone, my mind blank. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever before my tongue started to move. “What the hell is going on? I know that what happened to Thor was horrible, but it has nothing to do with us. I’m not Nora and I’m not cheating on you with your brother. You can’t treat me like this. I don’t deserve it.”

The corners of his lips turned up just a little. “I don’t have a brother and I’m pretty sure Sarah is straight.”

It wasn’t funny. I glared at him.

“I love you,” he mumbled looking down as his finger traced the hole in his distressed jeans.

“What?” How dare he? Couldn’t he tell I was pissed?

“I love you, Jess. I have for a while. I’m sorry if it freaks you out. I know you hate how quickly your dad falls for someone, but this is real. My feelings are real. I don’t…want to break up,” he stumbled on his words.

I looked at him confused, shaking my head.

“I thought you were going to break up with me because you overheard that conversation with my mom. You don’t send a guy a text that says ‘we have to talk’ unless you’re ending it.” He looked up and the muscles of his jaw tightened as an epiphany washed over his face. “Or pregnant?” Pinning me with his eyes, he got up, crossed the room and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. He wrapped his arm around me and whispered in my ear, “If you’re pregnant. We can make it work. You can still finish school. We can get an apartment.” His words seemed rushed like he couldn’t get them out fast enough.

“I’m not pregnant. Why have you been avoiding me? I thought it was the whole Thor/Nora thing. I’ve been calling and texting all week and you never responded, not until the text last night.”

“Jess, I’ve had the worst week of my life. We’re supposed to present the prototype of the 2412 to the VP’s next week and Gary asked me, on Tuesday, to change ‘one little component’ on it. I came so close to telling my boss to F-off. I’ve been working for six months to design the damn thing and he wants to change it the week before we present? I couldn’t get it to work right with the changes, and then the 3D printer blew up. The manufacturer came out to repair it, but it still delayed my work for almost a day. I’ve been at the lab every night until nine and I’m probably going to have to go in this weekend too. You know I don’t get great cell service at the lab. I had to keep my phone plugged in on my desk because the battery drains searching for a signal. I didn’t have it on me. I haven't had time to check the back messages. I just happen to be at my desk when your text came last night.” A defeated expression masked his gorgeous face as he looked up.

His earlier words filled me. Thor hadn’t brought this on. Jeff wasn’t scared. “I love you too,” I said before crushing my lips to his. I knew it was passive aggressive, but I wanted to reassure him and myself that we were OK the quickest way I could. It didn’t take more than a second for him to respond. His hands grasped my waist, pulling me onto his lap as he scooted backward on the bed. Before I could catch a breath, he flipped me under him, pressing me into the mattress, never breaking the kiss. The kiss was tender, but bruising, and gave me all the reassurance I needed. We skipped dinner in favor of christening my childhood bed (twice) and I fell asleep in his arms, hoping one of us had remembered to lock the door, but too exhausted to check.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: May 27, 2013

Jessica:  May 27, 2013

I didn’t get to talk to Jeff over the weekend about the words he spilled to his mom. I kept waiting for him to bring it up, but he never did. He told the story at the bonfire about his mom calling him out into the hall as if he was fifteen and everyone thought it was so funny. But when I announced to the group that I heard his entire hallway conversation, he didn’t even react. Then he avoided me the rest of the weekend. Now, I don’t know what to do. He knows that I know, but he still hasn’t owned up to his words. Aaaagh!

I get that Thor was there, and Jeff didn’t want to talk about love or the future in front of a guy whose life was just demolished by a woman. The big break up shocked everyone. Thor and Nora had dated forever and they were supposed to get married in a couple of weeks. We never expected her to do what she did and I think that Thor’s experience traumatized Jeff out of love. Is that possible? Maybe not out of love, but fractured him enough to not want to acknowledge the words that he’d said. I can’t unhear them.

I know relationships are fluid. They change with outside influences. I never would have thought that Sarah and Matt would break up until their relationship shattered like a light bulb on a tile floor. Now Thor and Nora have ended. I believe Jeff and I are meant to be together though. There’s always been a connection between us. Even when he treated me like his little sister’s annoying friend, I could tell that he was never quite as irritated with me as he was with Sarah. Then one day he just stopped being irritated. I could see the change in the way he looked at me, in the way he smiled when I talked to him. I didn’t take him seriously at first. I liked him but I was so young with too many obstacles ahead of me. It was years before we started dating and only officially in the last eight months.

Tonight when Jeff dropped me off at my mom’s around seven, he gave me a quick kiss and told me he would text me before bed. I look forward to his texts every night, quick little messages to let me know he’s thinking about me. Sometimes they are sweet and innocent, but usually they’re not. My friends always tease me about Jeff’s sexts whenever my phone goes off at night. Now it’s almost one in the morning and, for the first time, I haven’t gotten my text. I don’t want to call him because I know he has to work in the morning and he may have just fallen asleep. But here I am, wide awake.        
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Sarah's Journal: May 27, 2013

Sarah:  May 27, 2013 

When did I step into the Twilight Zone? I’m in the back seat heading home from the weirdest weekend that I have ever had in my life. I told Jeff and Jess that I was putting my headphones on so that I could write in my journal without distractions, but really I did it so they could talk. Something is messed up between them and they really need to figure it out. Jeff has been avoiding being alone with Jessica all weekend and she’s obviously miffed at him. Anyone could see it, especially after the bonfire. They better work it out because I’m pretty sure I would pick her if their relationship ended in a divorce and that would make for some really interesting family holidays.

Whatever their problem is, started when Mom caught them in bed together on Saturday morning. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, but at least it wasn’t my dad. He knows, though. Why couldn’t Mom just keep it to herself? Dad cornered me in the kitchen on Sunday morning and asked me how serious Jeff and Jessica were. Really? 

“They’re serious enough,” I said. The scowl on my face should have told him how uncomfortable I was talking about my brother and my best friend’s sex life, but he didn’t catch on.

“Your mother and I didn’t realize that they were so committed.”

“Well. They are,” I said, not sure what else to say. 

“They’re not getting engaged, are they?” He had the strangest look on his face.

I shook my head. Why do parents assume that their children are virgins until their wedding nights? They are such hypocrites. I mean, with the stories Mom tells—I don’t get it. I’m never going to be like that. My dad seemed satisfied with my answer and didn’t ask any more questions. My parents are usually forward thinkers. Usually. They accept people for who they are, faults and all, and don’t linger on past mistakes. That’s why this threw me. I’ve seen Alli’s parents practically dictate her life to her, not allowing her to make decisions—never giving her enough room to make them. My parents aren’t like them. Weekend in the Twilight Zone—totally.

And if drama-with-Dad wasn't bad enough, Jeff’s ex-roommate Thor showed up and unloaded his sad story on me while we were putting the dock in. I'm not lying. It was the epitome of a Gerry Springer show. Then at the bonfire, he starts flirting with me, even after I told him I was seeing someone. I am. I am seeing someone. Thor just broke up with his fiancé that week and he’s flirting with me? When Alli and Megan showed up, I was just looking for an escape. I should have had Megan sit next to him. She’s much more equipped to deal with guys like that. I felt sorry for him though. I thought that he would be better off with Alli, after all that he had been through. She’s usually sweet and doesn’t get too involved with guys. But I didn’t know she was on a bender weekend. Now what? She and Thor made plans for next Friday. I don’t want her to be his rebound. Do I tell her about Thor or do I give him the benefit of the doubt? Jeff says he’s always been a decent guy. Still, breakups change people. 

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: May 26, 2013

Alli:  May 26, 2013

The rain started before breakfast and there was no sign that it would ever stop. Jeff and Thor searched the static on the television for a working channel while the rest of us cleaned up the breakfast dishes. So unfair. Exhausted from our night of drinking, we opted to watch a DVD, when we finished in the kitchen. Jessica picked the movie, Love Twice—a friends-with-benefits type love story where the characters fake it until they fall in love. She and Jeff had seen it in the theater and Jessica claimed it would be worth our time.

I settled in the oversized chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. The couch had been claimed and I didn’t feel like sitting on the floor. As the opening credits ran, Thor squeezed in next to me. The chair stretched wide enough to seat us both but I wasn’t used to guys being that assertive. Most the guys, I dated, had to be told where to sit and where to put their hands. After last night when he asked me if he could kiss me, I guess, I expected him to ask before he made any sudden moves. I didn’t mind. I was just surprised. I sank into his warmth and he smiled that gorgeous smile. As the movie progressed to some very explicit scenes, his finger drew figure-eights on the back of my neck and he pulled my hand flat against his stomach. His rock hard stomach. I didn’t expect that either. And when did he get a shower? My hair still smelled like burnt wood from the bonfire, while his smelled clean and fresh and yummy.

When the movie ended Thor nudged me onto the screened porch. Closing the door behind us, he grasped my hips and drew me against him. I was sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t.  “Take a walk with me,” he said.

“In the rain?” I asked. “I’m not really a walking in the rain type girl.” I know it’s not very romantic but all I could think about was how my Italian leather boots would get wrecked in the mud and what the rain would do to my hair.

“Then, take a drive with me.” His voice almost hummed.

“OK,” I agreed.

Last night when I settled into my sleeping bag, I was positive all the girls were asleep, but Sarah’s voice whispered softly through the air. “Do you like him?”

“Yeah. He’s great,” I answered and then I regurgitated all of the problems that I’d been having with my parents, as if she hadn’t heard them before and how Thor was the perfect weekend distraction.

“Don’t hurt him,” she said, sitting up and glancing toward me.

“I’m not going to hurt him.” It came out of my mouth louder than I expected, and Megan groaned to notify me of my volume. Why would I hurt him?

“Just be upfront with him. If you don’t want a relationship, tell him. He just got royally screwed by his now ex.”

“Screwed how?” I asked.

Sarah paused the way she does when she’s not quite sure what to say. “It’s not my place to tell you.”

“Then why did you mention it?” blared Megan. Thank you, Megan.

“Just be honest with him,” added Sarah.

It all flashed through my head as Thor held me on the porch. And I was supposed to go for a ride with him without worrying about what his last girlfriend looked like or why they broke up or how she screwed him. How was I supposed to be honest with him when I didn’t know what I wanted? Really, it’s not like we’d even gone on a date. Why was I worrying about this?

We dashed to his pick-up truck and he stood getting drenched outside my door, waiting to close it for me. When we hit the paved road, a half a mile from the house, he cranked the heat and asked me to take the wheel. The farm road was straight, but I had to scoot across the bench seat to steer. With his hands-free, he reached back and pulled his rain saturated T-shirt over his head. Holy Crap! He was ripped.
 
He smirked at my expression and said, “Feel free to do the same. Wouldn't want you to get chilled.”

I know I was still gawking when he took control of the wheel again, but I managed to spit out, “No. I’m good.”

The smile grew on his face. “Tell me about, Alli.” The nerdy edge that I'd seen last night was completely gone and he wasn’t acting, at all, like he had ever been hurt.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: May 25, 2013

Jessica:  May 25, 2013

Ohmygod! Did that really happen this morning? I thought that Jeff’s parents had already left for the lake. They usually go up to the cabin the Friday of Memorial Day weekend. Why were they still here on Saturday morning? Jeff and I had gone out for dinner and a movie last night. The earlier movie was sold out, so we opted for the ten o’clock show and got back to the house after midnight. We’ve been dating since September and we’ve always stayed at my place on the weekends. But now that school is out and I no longer have my own place, he can’t stay at my mom’s house with me. I thought his parents were gone. How embarrassing!

Kate knocked on the bedroom door wondering if Jeff wanted to ride up to the cabin with her and his dad. He looked at me questioningly and I shook my head as I scrambled out of bed in pursuit of my clothes. I had my jeans on and my shirt in my hand when his mom said, “Open the door for me, please. I have a stack of folded laundry in my hands.”

I didn’t even have time to be appalled by the fact that his mother still does his laundry. I couldn’t find my bra. I was frantic. It was nowhere to be found, like a missing sock in the dryer. I slipped on my shirt sans a bra and glanced in the mirror at my untamable sex hair as Jeff calmly slipped on a pair of sweatpants and unlocked the door.

I stood covering my chest, my eyes darting around the room searching for the missing garment, while Kate stashed her son’s socks and underwear in the appropriate drawers. I wanted to run and hide, but I couldn’t leave the room without my bra. When Kate had emptied her arms, she turned and, of course, spotted it right away. Jeff broke out laughing as his mother pulled my red bra from where it had wedged itself between the bed’s comforter and footboard.

“Is this what you’re looking for, dear?” she asked, handing it to me. “Jeff, may I speak to you in the hall for a minute?”

Jeff rolled his eyes and followed her out of the room. I overheard their entire conversation. How could I not? The door was left open. It went something like this:

“I hope you know what you are doing, Jeffery.” She only uses his proper name when she’s angry.
        
“I’m twenty-three years old. I know this may be a shock, but she’s not the first girl I’ve had in my room.”

“Don’t. Don’t you group Jessica with those other girls. She’s like a daughter to your father and me. She’s special. You better treat her with respect or I will make your life hell.”

“I love her, Mom.” His words flowed freely and without hesitation. “I think she’s the one. I would never hurt her.” For him to admit that to his mother was huge. Jeff has never said the L-word to me.

I know he loves me. He shows me in every touch, every smile, every time he weaves his fingers through my hair. He tells me with his eyes every time he looks at me, but he has never said the words. And I won’t be the first to say them. I’m not like my father who declares his love to every woman he dates. I’m cautious. Telling a guy I love him means something to me. Maybe he is afraid to tell me, because he doesn’t want to scare me. He knows what I think about my father. Maybe he left the bedroom door open on purpose. Maybe he knew what his mother was going to say. Did he want me to know that he loves me? Or was I not supposed to hear it?

I want to talk to him about it, but we won’t have time to talk this weekend. Every Memorial Day weekend it’s the same at the cabin—mow the grass, push the dock back into the lake and replace the decking, push the boat lift back into the lake, launch the boat, launch the raft, wash the linens, clean floors, chop wood, catch up with the neighbors we haven’t seen all winter, etc. The list goes on forever. We’ll be too busy to have a serious talk. With Sarah in the backseat, we won’t be able to talk on the ride up there either, and once Megan and Alli meet up with us, we’ll never have a minute alone. I wonder when Jeff will bring it up, or maybe he was just pacifying his mom and doesn't plan on telling me. I wish I hadn’t heard him.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: May 17, 2013

Jessica:  May 17, 2013

It’s Friday and I have one more final left tomorrow before I’m officially a senior. Most of my housemates have dug in for a night of studying, everyone except Sarah. She's done for the year. Twenty minutes ago, she stood in my doorway wearing her pajamas and mentioned something about having a date tonight. When I called her on her fashion choice, she said, "This is what I'm going to wear." I know she isn’t leaving the house in her PJs. Does she really think that she’s dating that Internet guy? I hope Sarah hasn’t gone blind. She has to see that the guy is a con. Just a couple of months ago, there was that football player in the news who got scammed online by a guy. It’s happening everywhere.

At first, when she told me about Will, I thought that Megan had set it up to get Sarah out of her three and a half year slump, but even Megan wouldn’t take it this far. Then I thought that maybe it was Sarah’s ex, Matt, but he would never put so much effort into it if there was no reward. Or maybe it is him. He could be trying to find a way back into Sarah’s life. I wouldn’t put that past him. Will’s story seems a bit far fetched. Seriously? A movie director’s son? How gullible does he think she is? I'm pretty sure that Matt would never believe Sarah was that stupid.

When Will first started to reveal himself to Sarah, she and I spent a couple of hours searching the Internet looking for something that would match with what he had told her and though he didn’t say his father was famous, he did say his family’s secrets were all over the Internet. Maybe not in those words, but something like that. We found a couple possible leads, but nothing fit perfectly. I can’t imagine anyone would want to hurt Sarah, but I’m not going to believe the Internet guy’s story until I meet him in person and probably not even then. Sarah will figure it out. She’s not one to dive in head first.

Besides, I’m sure Jeff will say something to her tonight. He'll set her straight. He is very protective of his little sister. He’s coming over at eleven. I told him I would be done studying by then. I can’t concentrate with him here. I usually study on my bed and he always finds a way to push my books aside. Once his fingers are skimming across my stomach or trailing along my thigh, I’m a goner. My books end up on the floor and I never get back to them. So I banned him from the house while I’m studying, but when I’m done, he’s welcome. I sleep better with him next to me and a girl needs a good night’s sleep before finals, right?

Sarah's Journal: May 13, 2013

Sarah:  May 13, 2013

Will and I watched a movie together on Friday. I should say, we watched the same movie while we chatted online. I didn’t realize how strange our arrangement sounded until I tried to explain to Jessica why I couldn’t go out with her and Megan. I should have just said that I was studying for finals. I should have been studying for finals. But when Will asked me to watch the movie with him, I knew studying would be pointless. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. 

Will and I have such a weird relationship. Do we have a relationship? Truthfully, I don’t know. It’s like meeting the perfect guy and obsessing over him for weeks until you finally work up enough courage to tell him how you feel and just as you open your mouth to spill your soul, a gorgeous blonde appears at his side. (Of course, she’s blonde. They’re always blonde.) She introduces herself as his girlfriend, of five years, and they look so perfect together that your stomach starts to heave, disintegrating all your dreams. That never actually happened. I just feel as if my visions of this perfect guy evaporated once I found out where he lives. I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a perfect guy, but even so, I'm just as doomed as the girl in my daydream. 

He lives so far away. It’s not as if he will move here because of me. He has a job and a life and friends. I have a year left of school and then graduate school after that. I “won’t be able to get a job without graduate school”, according to my parents. Will and I will never get to be together. There is no point in wanting more. Why am I even thinking about him that way? It’s safer if I just put him in the friend zone. I know that. I want to put him in the friend zone. (That’s a lie! I’m such a terrible liar—I can’t even convince myself.)

On Friday, he asked me if I was seeing anyone.

“Seriously or casually?” I asked, trying to gauge where the conversation was headed.

“Either?” he replied. We had talked about our dating history before, but never really spelled out clearly whether either of us was seeing anyone else. Did I say else? Oops.

 “No. Are you?” I said as I agonized over his pending answer. 

His response melted my heart. “Only you.” 

It was the perfect answer. I don’t know why I would expect anything less from him. The whole night was flawless, almost ideal. Except in a perfect world, our date would have ended with our first kiss. 

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler  

Megan's Blog: May 4, 2013

Megan:  May 3, 2013
The thing with Peterson had stretched out way past the last game of the season and I was starting to contemplate cheating on him with one of his friends, like Evans, just so he would see what an awful person I am and end it. Most guys can see a breakup coming and step up so they can be in control. With Peterson’s laid-back attitude I wasn’t sure he would take the lead. But then the text came on Tuesday, telling me he was coming over to talk. What a relief. I was ready for the usual quick ten-minute breakup that I’ve been through so many times before, but nothing is ever that easy. He spent twenty minutes talking to my housemates. He gets along with my friends—that’s another drawback of breaking up with Dylan Peterson. Finally, in front of everyone, I said, “You wanted to talk?” Sarah and Jessica went silent and then made excuses to leave the kitchen. Alli gave Peterson a hug and then followed the others out of the room. They knew what was coming. They know me.

“Not here,” he said in a stern voice that I hadn’t heard before as he motioned toward the door.

I followed him upstairs to my room, where he proceeded to make himself at home. He removed his shoes and stretched out on my bed, patting the space next to him for me to lie down.

But I knew I couldn’t give in. I crossed my arms in front of me, a little irked that he was taking so long and said, “I thought you wanted to talk.”

“I do.” He stared at me like he was searching for the right words.
 
“Then talk,” I said, getting more annoyed as time ticked by.

“What’s going on with us, Megan? Are we ending?” he asked.

“If that’s what you want.” I tried to inflect that it was him making the decision. It’s better that way.
His lips hardened and he shook his head not meeting my eyes. “Is it what you want? Ever since basketball ended, you’ve been pushing me away. You haven’t stayed over in weeks and this is only the second time that I’ve ever been on your bed.”

I could have put it back on him, implying that he put too much emphasis on sex, but I didn’t want to burn bridges. I like Peterson. He’s not the mushy type and he doesn’t expect much from me, which is good because I don’t give much. “Finals are coming and then summer. You told me you’re working at that football camp up north. You may as well be in another state. I don’t expect you to be faithful. I know that’s too much to ask. Why pretend?”

“Is that all this is about. I never know what’s going on in that head of yours, Megan.” He grabbed my hand the pulled me toward him. “I thought it was another guy,” he added.

I wasn’t going to tell him it was lots of other guys. I shook my head, climbed up on the bed next to him and draped my arm across his chest.

He smiled and said, “I understand. Summer’s a long time.”

We laid there for another half hour, without talking, before he had to leave for work. When he left we kissed goodbye. Even though it took so long, it was one of my better breakups and now I’m a free agent again. Not that I was tied down to Peterson, but he has a lot of friends and I’m not the type to humiliate a guy in front of his buddies. Not that I haven’t done it before—I have. But just twice and they both deserved it, Peterson doesn’t.

Despite my roommates telling me that I need to break it off completely, I can’t. I know it’s not fair to Peterson, but part of me wants to hang on to the big Teddy Bear, so I blamed my insecurities. “What’s going to happen once school ends? You’re moving home for the summer, right? Are we really going to keep it going with you out in Minnetonka and me in Stillwater? It’s an hour drive without road construction. What’s it going to be like this summer once every road in the Cities is down to one lane? Do you think we can keep it together with texts? I’d rather end it now before we hate each other.” 

He took a deep breath and pushed his head into my pillow. “Is it another guy?” Of course, he would assume that.

 “It’s not another guy.” I climbed up on the bed and straddle his chest. “I’m really bad with distance and I don’t think it is fair to expect you to stay faithful this summer when we’re so far apart. We’ll never see each other.”

“It’s not that far. People commute further than that every day for work.”

“Not me. I can’t do it. I know that if I’m spending my entire summer trying to connect, I’m going to end up despising you. I don’t want that and right now I have to concentrate on school. Finals are in less than two weeks. When classes start again in the fall, we can see where we’re at and go from there. I like you, Peterson. Basketball wouldn’t be the same without you.” I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. It didn’t take more than a second for him to respond—everywhere. If he weren’t so easy-going he would have stormed out of my room before it got to that point. Maybe he just knew how to play me, but I felt bad and whispered, “One last time?”  

 

Sarah's Journal: April 20, 2013

Sarah:  April 20, 2013

The girls and I went to a house party last night. A guy that Megan is seeing lives there. A frat house wasn't really my first choice for the evening, but my choices are a bit limited until my birthday. It was good to be out with girls, though.

I’m glad the house was dark because I didn't want to see any deeper into the dim shadows. It was the kind of house that spawns teenage horror movies, where a blob of unknown origin rises out of the carpet and swallows all the house’s occupants. The carpet? Eeew! Every time I lifted my foot to walk I was halted by my boot sticking to the floor. I felt like a mouse on one of those sticky traps. How do guys live like that? I was afraid to sit down all night.

Once I got past the ambiance, I had a good time. I didn't know anyone there, except the girls, but I didn't get bored. Jessica introduced me to a couple of nursing students and the guys that lived at the house were actually pretty nice. A guy named Scott kept refilling my cup for me and offered to show me around the house. I’m sure it was just a ploy to get me to his room, though. He was so not my type—totally enamored by himself. As I stood listening to Scott tell me how brilliant he was, and how he was going to take over the marketing for his dad’s Internet company, I kept looking around wondering if another guy at the party could be Cracked23. Scott obviously wasn't him.

I’m so pathetic. I know Cracked23 is probably just a made-up persona devised by a couch potato living in his mom’s basement, but the couch potato seems to know exactly what I want to hear and I can’t get him out of my mind. Maybe I can coax him out of the basement someday.