Jessica's Way: July 6, 2013

Jessica:  July 6, 2013

We were all up at Jeff’s family’s lake home for the fourth of July weekend—Sarah, Megan, Trent (Megan’s guy of the moment), Jeff and I. Alli had to work on the weekend at the hospital, so she and Thor left by noon on Friday. I was surprised when Thor came back up to the lake this morning though. I thought he and Alli were going to have a quiet weekend together. That’s what he had told Jeff when he left. I guess he changed his mind.

I didn’t realize that Thor and Alli had a fight until he corners me on the end of the dock.

“She hasn’t even told her parents about me,” he says, sitting down next to me on the bench. “I’m a decent looking guy. I’m going to grad school. Am I that much of a loser that her parents wouldn’t approve?”

I can’t help but laugh. He is indecently fine looking sitting next to me without his shirt. I know that he’s Jeff’s best friend, but still. That isn’t why I am laughing though. He obviously has no clue what Alli’s parents were like or he would never want to meet them. “Trust me, you don’t want them to know you exist.”

“What does that mean?”

I’m not sure if I should go into detail, but I think he deserves to know what he is in for if he wants a relationship with Alli. “Her parents are a bit overbearing. It is not worth meeting them if this is just going to be a summer thing.”

His brow furrows and his eyes squint as he glares at me. What did I say?

“Suppose they found out about me, what would happen?”

“They would very politely invite you out for dinner at the club, where they would interrogate you endlessly about your career plans and religious beliefs. And when you didn’t measure up, they would condemn you. Not because you’re a bad person, but because no one, not even themselves, can meet their standards. Then they would pinpoint your flaws and make sure that Alli was aware of each and every one of them, tenfold.” I pause hoping that helps clarify it for him. His scowl tells me I need to add more. “When I first met her mom, she tried to convince Alli that I wasn’t good friend material because my parents were going through a divorce and I was going to suck Alli dry with my emotional neediness. That was her conclusion though she had talked to me for no more than ten minutes. With guys, it’s worse. If you think Alli’s type-A personality is high strung now just wait and see what she’s like when her parents get all riled up.”

He looks out over the water following a speedboat with his eyes as it loops around the edge of the lake. “We’ve never even talked about religious differences.”

“I’m not trying to turn you off from Alli. She’s not like her folks. She views the world around her without blinders and can see outside the box. It’s just best to not stir the pot with her parents.”

“I thought she was Catholic. She went to a Catholic high school.”

“Her Nana is Catholic. But her parents joined a non-denominational church when Alli was in her teens. It’s a little extreme. I think it turned Alli off to all organized religions. You should probably talk to her about it. But I know for me with my mom’s crazy family, no one ever listens to anyone else with an open mind, so I’ve learned not to discuss religion or politics if I can help it. It just leaves me frustrated when I do. Alli probably feels the same way with her parents. It’s easier to let them assume she agrees with them. If she doesn’t make waves then she can live her life in peace.”

I could see the cogs of Thor’s brain turning in his expression. I hope I didn’t say anything wrong. I just wanted to help. He seemed so dejected, and he doesn’t deserve the psychological torture that Alli’s parents inflict. Sometimes Alli doesn’t realize that her parents don’t just affect her. They affect everyone she touches.

I hear the clomping of flip-flops against the wooden slats of the dock and I look back to see Jeff and the rest of the gang coming toward us in their swimsuits. I don’t know what else to say to Thor. I rise as Jeff spins the oversized wheel of the boatlift, clinking with each turn, to lower the boat. We’re going skiing and I still need to get my suit on before the boat leaves without me. I touch Thor’s shoulder and ask, “Are you OK?”

He nods and I know that is all I will get now that everyone else is on the dock. I squeeze past the group and hustle inside to get changed. Thor has to figure the rest out on his own. Alli is right to keep him away from her parents. I hope he understands.

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Jessica's Way: June 1, 2013

Jessica:  June 1, 2013

Thor. I’m not sure what to think about him. He’s Jeff’s best friend. They were roommates for two years and they get along really well, but I just don’t know if I like him. Honestly, I don’t really know him that well. I’ve only met him a couple of times when he and Nora came to the Cities to visit. He was always with Nora and he seemed so different last weekend now that she is no longer in the picture.

Sarah said that he was flirting with her even after she told him she wasn’t interested. And normally that wouldn’t have bothered her, but somehow his hand, not so innocently, kept landing on the top of her thigh or touching her breast. As much as guys hate to admit it, women balance them. I think he and Nora dated for four years. Maybe Nora balanced Thor or maybe he just lost it because he hasn’t been single for so long. Alli had a date with him last night and I tried to warn her beforehand that he’d been a little off since his break up, but of course, she wouldn’t listen. She never listens. She said she wanted to form her own opinion. I said, “Fine. I’ve got my own problems to handle.” And I did.

Jeff and I hadn't spoken all week. He had apologized, via text, for the lack of contact on Monday night. He said that he met Thor at the bar after he dropped me off and he just lost track of time. By the time he got home, he figured I was already asleep. Really? He was out with Thor? I thought he had to work in the morning?

Frustrated by Jeff’s lack of attention during the week, and convinced that Thor’s breakup was to blame, I sent Jeff the dreaded text that no man ever wants to see from his girlfriend. I didn’t know what else to do.

We need to talk.

I’ll be over after work tomorrow, he replied.

The next day when I opened the door to let him in he watched me apprehensively, his eyes wide. He followed me up to my room without a word. Once inside, he leaned against the door until it clicked closed, and then slid to the floor with his back propped against the exit.

Even though I had contemplated what I would say for days, the words were gone, my mind blank. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever before my tongue started to move. “What the hell is going on? I know that what happened to Thor was horrible, but it has nothing to do with us. I’m not Nora and I’m not cheating on you with your brother. You can’t treat me like this. I don’t deserve it.”

The corners of his lips turned up just a little. “I don’t have a brother and I’m pretty sure Sarah is straight.”

It wasn’t funny. I glared at him.

“I love you,” he mumbled looking down as his finger traced the hole in his distressed jeans.

“What?” How dare he? Couldn’t he tell I was pissed?

“I love you, Jess. I have for a while. I’m sorry if it freaks you out. I know you hate how quickly your dad falls for someone, but this is real. My feelings are real. I don’t…want to break up,” he stumbled on his words.

I looked at him confused, shaking my head.

“I thought you were going to break up with me because you overheard that conversation with my mom. You don’t send a guy a text that says ‘we have to talk’ unless you’re ending it.” He looked up and the muscles of his jaw tightened as an epiphany washed over his face. “Or pregnant?” Pinning me with his eyes, he got up, crossed the room and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. He wrapped his arm around me and whispered in my ear, “If you’re pregnant. We can make it work. You can still finish school. We can get an apartment.” His words seemed rushed like he couldn’t get them out fast enough.

“I’m not pregnant. Why have you been avoiding me? I thought it was the whole Thor/Nora thing. I’ve been calling and texting all week and you never responded, not until the text last night.”

“Jess, I’ve had the worst week of my life. We’re supposed to present the prototype of the 2412 to the VP’s next week and Gary asked me, on Tuesday, to change ‘one little component’ on it. I came so close to telling my boss to F-off. I’ve been working for six months to design the damn thing and he wants to change it the week before we present? I couldn’t get it to work right with the changes, and then the 3D printer blew up. The manufacturer came out to repair it, but it still delayed my work for almost a day. I’ve been at the lab every night until nine and I’m probably going to have to go in this weekend too. You know I don’t get great cell service at the lab. I had to keep my phone plugged in on my desk because the battery drains searching for a signal. I didn’t have it on me. I haven't had time to check the back messages. I just happen to be at my desk when your text came last night.” A defeated expression masked his gorgeous face as he looked up.

His earlier words filled me. Thor hadn’t brought this on. Jeff wasn’t scared. “I love you too,” I said before crushing my lips to his. I knew it was passive aggressive, but I wanted to reassure him and myself that we were OK the quickest way I could. It didn’t take more than a second for him to respond. His hands grasped my waist, pulling me onto his lap as he scooted backward on the bed. Before I could catch a breath, he flipped me under him, pressing me into the mattress, never breaking the kiss. The kiss was tender, but bruising, and gave me all the reassurance I needed. We skipped dinner in favor of christening my childhood bed (twice) and I fell asleep in his arms, hoping one of us had remembered to lock the door, but too exhausted to check.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: May 27, 2013

Jessica:  May 27, 2013

I didn’t get to talk to Jeff over the weekend about the words he spilled to his mom. I kept waiting for him to bring it up, but he never did. He told the story at the bonfire about his mom calling him out into the hall as if he was fifteen and everyone thought it was so funny. But when I announced to the group that I heard his entire hallway conversation, he didn’t even react. Then he avoided me the rest of the weekend. Now, I don’t know what to do. He knows that I know, but he still hasn’t owned up to his words. Aaaagh!

I get that Thor was there, and Jeff didn’t want to talk about love or the future in front of a guy whose life was just demolished by a woman. The big break up shocked everyone. Thor and Nora had dated forever and they were supposed to get married in a couple of weeks. We never expected her to do what she did and I think that Thor’s experience traumatized Jeff out of love. Is that possible? Maybe not out of love, but fractured him enough to not want to acknowledge the words that he’d said. I can’t unhear them.

I know relationships are fluid. They change with outside influences. I never would have thought that Sarah and Matt would break up until their relationship shattered like a light bulb on a tile floor. Now Thor and Nora have ended. I believe Jeff and I are meant to be together though. There’s always been a connection between us. Even when he treated me like his little sister’s annoying friend, I could tell that he was never quite as irritated with me as he was with Sarah. Then one day he just stopped being irritated. I could see the change in the way he looked at me, in the way he smiled when I talked to him. I didn’t take him seriously at first. I liked him but I was so young with too many obstacles ahead of me. It was years before we started dating and only officially in the last eight months.

Tonight when Jeff dropped me off at my mom’s around seven, he gave me a quick kiss and told me he would text me before bed. I look forward to his texts every night, quick little messages to let me know he’s thinking about me. Sometimes they are sweet and innocent, but usually they’re not. My friends always tease me about Jeff’s sexts whenever my phone goes off at night. Now it’s almost one in the morning and, for the first time, I haven’t gotten my text. I don’t want to call him because I know he has to work in the morning and he may have just fallen asleep. But here I am, wide awake.        
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: May 25, 2013

Jessica:  May 25, 2013

Ohmygod! Did that really happen this morning? I thought that Jeff’s parents had already left for the lake. They usually go up to the cabin the Friday of Memorial Day weekend. Why were they still here on Saturday morning? Jeff and I had gone out for dinner and a movie last night. The earlier movie was sold out, so we opted for the ten o’clock show and got back to the house after midnight. We’ve been dating since September and we’ve always stayed at my place on the weekends. But now that school is out and I no longer have my own place, he can’t stay at my mom’s house with me. I thought his parents were gone. How embarrassing!

Kate knocked on the bedroom door wondering if Jeff wanted to ride up to the cabin with her and his dad. He looked at me questioningly and I shook my head as I scrambled out of bed in pursuit of my clothes. I had my jeans on and my shirt in my hand when his mom said, “Open the door for me, please. I have a stack of folded laundry in my hands.”

I didn’t even have time to be appalled by the fact that his mother still does his laundry. I couldn’t find my bra. I was frantic. It was nowhere to be found, like a missing sock in the dryer. I slipped on my shirt sans a bra and glanced in the mirror at my untamable sex hair as Jeff calmly slipped on a pair of sweatpants and unlocked the door.

I stood covering my chest, my eyes darting around the room searching for the missing garment, while Kate stashed her son’s socks and underwear in the appropriate drawers. I wanted to run and hide, but I couldn’t leave the room without my bra. When Kate had emptied her arms, she turned and, of course, spotted it right away. Jeff broke out laughing as his mother pulled my red bra from where it had wedged itself between the bed’s comforter and footboard.

“Is this what you’re looking for, dear?” she asked, handing it to me. “Jeff, may I speak to you in the hall for a minute?”

Jeff rolled his eyes and followed her out of the room. I overheard their entire conversation. How could I not? The door was left open. It went something like this:

“I hope you know what you are doing, Jeffery.” She only uses his proper name when she’s angry.
        
“I’m twenty-three years old. I know this may be a shock, but she’s not the first girl I’ve had in my room.”

“Don’t. Don’t you group Jessica with those other girls. She’s like a daughter to your father and me. She’s special. You better treat her with respect or I will make your life hell.”

“I love her, Mom.” His words flowed freely and without hesitation. “I think she’s the one. I would never hurt her.” For him to admit that to his mother was huge. Jeff has never said the L-word to me.

I know he loves me. He shows me in every touch, every smile, every time he weaves his fingers through my hair. He tells me with his eyes every time he looks at me, but he has never said the words. And I won’t be the first to say them. I’m not like my father who declares his love to every woman he dates. I’m cautious. Telling a guy I love him means something to me. Maybe he is afraid to tell me, because he doesn’t want to scare me. He knows what I think about my father. Maybe he left the bedroom door open on purpose. Maybe he knew what his mother was going to say. Did he want me to know that he loves me? Or was I not supposed to hear it?

I want to talk to him about it, but we won’t have time to talk this weekend. Every Memorial Day weekend it’s the same at the cabin—mow the grass, push the dock back into the lake and replace the decking, push the boat lift back into the lake, launch the boat, launch the raft, wash the linens, clean floors, chop wood, catch up with the neighbors we haven’t seen all winter, etc. The list goes on forever. We’ll be too busy to have a serious talk. With Sarah in the backseat, we won’t be able to talk on the ride up there either, and once Megan and Alli meet up with us, we’ll never have a minute alone. I wonder when Jeff will bring it up, or maybe he was just pacifying his mom and doesn't plan on telling me. I wish I hadn’t heard him.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Jessica's Way: May 17, 2013

Jessica:  May 17, 2013

It’s Friday and I have one more final left tomorrow before I’m officially a senior. Most of my housemates have dug in for a night of studying, everyone except Sarah. She's done for the year. Twenty minutes ago, she stood in my doorway wearing her pajamas and mentioned something about having a date tonight. When I called her on her fashion choice, she said, "This is what I'm going to wear." I know she isn’t leaving the house in her PJs. Does she really think that she’s dating that Internet guy? I hope Sarah hasn’t gone blind. She has to see that the guy is a con. Just a couple of months ago, there was that football player in the news who got scammed online by a guy. It’s happening everywhere.

At first, when she told me about Will, I thought that Megan had set it up to get Sarah out of her three and a half year slump, but even Megan wouldn’t take it this far. Then I thought that maybe it was Sarah’s ex, Matt, but he would never put so much effort into it if there was no reward. Or maybe it is him. He could be trying to find a way back into Sarah’s life. I wouldn’t put that past him. Will’s story seems a bit far fetched. Seriously? A movie director’s son? How gullible does he think she is? I'm pretty sure that Matt would never believe Sarah was that stupid.

When Will first started to reveal himself to Sarah, she and I spent a couple of hours searching the Internet looking for something that would match with what he had told her and though he didn’t say his father was famous, he did say his family’s secrets were all over the Internet. Maybe not in those words, but something like that. We found a couple possible leads, but nothing fit perfectly. I can’t imagine anyone would want to hurt Sarah, but I’m not going to believe the Internet guy’s story until I meet him in person and probably not even then. Sarah will figure it out. She’s not one to dive in head first.

Besides, I’m sure Jeff will say something to her tonight. He'll set her straight. He is very protective of his little sister. He’s coming over at eleven. I told him I would be done studying by then. I can’t concentrate with him here. I usually study on my bed and he always finds a way to push my books aside. Once his fingers are skimming across my stomach or trailing along my thigh, I’m a goner. My books end up on the floor and I never get back to them. So I banned him from the house while I’m studying, but when I’m done, he’s welcome. I sleep better with him next to me and a girl needs a good night’s sleep before finals, right?

Jessica's Way: May 11, 2013

Jessica:  May 11, 2013

Boyfriends suck! Last night, at six pm, mine decided that he was going out with the guys. Jeff doesn't meet up with friends that often and I wasn't mad that he was going out with them. He needs guy-time. But why couldn’t he make plans with them a week ago or even the day before? His lack of planning didn't leave me with many options for a Friday night. It's not Jeff's fault—I know planning ahead just isn't in the Y chromosome.

Sometimes I’m sure that I’m in love with him, though. And other times, like last night, I just want to shoot him. Is that love? (According to P!nk it is.)

How am I supposed to know what love is with the role models God gave me? Mom is so neurotic that I’m surprised she can even hold a job, let alone have a relationship. And my dad? His second marriage just ended because he was cheating on his wife with a woman who is the same age as my sister. Really? I can’t even look at him.

At least I know I can trust Jeff to never cheat on me. He’s the opposite of my father. His sister, Sarah, and I have been best friends since middle school and it seems like I've known Jeff most of my cognitive life. He and I are connected. We always have been. And he’s the most honest person I've ever met. Sometimes his morality is really annoying, but at least I can trust him.

Since I was left with no plans last night, I tagged along with Megan to a house party and while she searched and searched, without success, for the mythical guy that had invited her, I chatted it up with a hundred people that I had never met before. Staring across the backyard at the alcohol-induced mating dances before me, I realized that I didn't want to be there. Nothing the strangers said interested me. Every conversation I had with a girl, I had had before, and every guy I talked to couldn't take his eyes off my chest. What a waste of time. I only stayed because of Megan. It’s girl code—don’t let a girl go to a party alone and don’t ever abandon her there. I’m a firm believer in that particular commandment.