Perfect Alli: July 20

Alli: July 20th

I went to pick up Sarah this afternoon to go shopping. She wanted a new birthday outfit for when she meets her Internet guy for the first time on Friday and she asked for my help picking it out. She’s so funny. I’ve never seen her like this before, all excited and tongue-tied. I hope the guy doesn’t disappoint.

I walked in the front door of her parent’s house without knocking, because that’s what I’ve been doing since high school, and I literally faceplanted into Thor’s rock hard chest. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, steadying me. Wow, he smelled good. My gaze drifted to his gorgeous face and our eyes met.

“Hey.” His carefree voice resonated through his chest.

“Hi.” I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there in his arms in silence. It felt so good until he dropped his hold on me and stepped back.

“Um, yeah.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m waiting for Jeff. Are you here for Sarah?”

I nodded. “We’re supposed to go shopping. It’s her birthday on Friday.” Awkward.

“That’s right, the big reveal date. I tried to convince her the guy is probably a troll, but then he goes and gets her into a sold out concert. At least the troll’s got connections.”

“You should come with us. I bet we could add one more person to the list. It’s probably no big deal.” My mouth just went off on its own. Damn. Did I sound desperate? I had no idea if we could get him in.

“I can’t. I’ve got plans,” he said rubbing his fingers across his forehead as if he was embarrassed.

Did he have a date? Had he moved on that quickly? Just as I gathered enough courage to ask what his plans were, Jeff walked in from the kitchen.

“You ready?” he asked. He glanced at me with an insincere smile, calling upstairs to his sister, “Sarah, Alli’s here.” Then they were out the door. Gone. I resolved to ask Sarah what she knew, but I didn’t want to come off overly interested. I had all afternoon to bring it up.

It was two hours later before I found the right time to ask. Maybe it wasn’t exactly the right time, but it was as good a time as any other. Sarah and I had just sat down with our packages at a Cariboo Coffee. She’d found the perfect jacket to wear on her date. Though with the ninety degree days we’d been experiencing, I wasn’t sure how long she would be leaving it on. But she liked it so much that I didn’t want to mention the heat. I couldn’t deny she looked sexy and buoyant in it, and half the battle with fashion is finding what makes you confident.

“Hope that wasn’t too awkward seeing Thor this morning. I would have warned you, but I didn’t know he would be there.”

“It was fine.” I shrugged, taking a sip of my iced chai tea. “I asked him if he wanted to join us for your birthday celebration.”

She fidgeted in her chair and I added, “Don’t worry, he has plans.” I thought she was nervous because she might have to ask her Internet guy for another ticket, but that wasn’t it. I was just about to ask Sarah if she knew what his plans were when she spoke.

“I know,” she said softly, glancing down at her coffee and then back up at me, hesitating. “I thought that we should invite him too, but Jeff said that Thor has a date on Friday.”

“With who? He’s not getting back together with Nora, is he?” I was going to call and bitch him out if he was letting his cheating ex-fiancé back into his life.

“It’s not Nora. It’s just some girl he met.”

Of course, he met someone new. That’s what his body was built for. I sipped my tea and took my phone out of my purse to check my messages. Nothing. I glanced up to find Sarah watching me.

“You’re OK with him moving on, right?”

“Yeah.” I lied. “You know me. I’m not going to have time for a relationship once school starts.” I swallowed a few gulps of my drink, trying to rid my throat of the knot lodged there. It was what I wanted, right? My career comes first. The rest of the afternoon I tried to erase Thor’s date from my head, but I couldn’t. I knew I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Copyright 2015 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: July 11, 2013

Alli: July 11, 2013

I have five weeks left before school starts. I hate how fast time seems to move in adulthood. A week ago I was at the lake with Thor and now I don’t even know where we stand. After I told him that I didn’t want to come over after work, he got pretty quiet. I probably shouldn’t have said, “If we’re still together, then” when he mentioned meeting his parents at Thanksgiving. I just didn’t want to talk about meeting parents or future plans. He was stepping all over my strategies to concentrate on school. Who does he think he is messing with my head? I know I should have told him that I wasn’t interested in a relationship past summer. It just never felt like the right time.

Once, I went out with a guy who told me on our first date that he didn’t have time for a relationship. He was probably just being honest, but it came off condescending as if he thought he was better than me somehow. I didn’t even want to go on that date in the first place, but he had asked me out four times. I went out with him out of pity and then he turned it around to make me feel unworthy.

Even though I am not always the best at being empathetic (at least that’s what my friends say), I didn’t want to make Thor feel the way that douche made me feel. I like Thor. And he’d been through so much already. I thought if I waited, it wouldn’t sound so harsh. Now I’m just frustrated. He doesn’t know that short-term has been my plan all along. He sent me a text Saturday morning to tell me he was going back up to the Austins' cabin. I sent back “K.” Everyone knows the universal text meaning OK really means I’m pissed. I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know if he got mad that I was pissed or if he was mad that I didn’t spend the night.

Everything is so unresolved. Maybe I should concentrate on work and lining up references for my med school applications like my mother keeps nagging me to do. It’s the easiest way to end it—no one is to blame, we just drift apart. We’ll see each other again at some point, unless I stop being friends with Sarah and Jessica or Thor and Jeff have a falling out. It’s a big incestuous circle of friends dating friends’ friends or friends’ brothers. What a mess. Note to self: In the future, only date strangers.

I could call him and invite him to go club hopping with us for Sarah’s twenty-first birthday. It would break the ice between us and Jeff is going to be there so if he’s still mad at me Thor can talk to him. But if I do that and then break up with him, how is that going to be better for him or me? I’m pretty sure my friends will be more forgiving of me if I tell them that he stopped texting me. I don’t really want to lose him yet, but it would be a lot easier just to let him slip away. Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler      

Jessica's Way: July 6, 2013

Jessica:  July 6, 2013

We were all up at Jeff’s family’s lake home for the fourth of July weekend—Sarah, Megan, Trent (Megan’s guy of the moment), Jeff and I. Alli had to work on the weekend at the hospital, so she and Thor left by noon on Friday. I was surprised when Thor came back up to the lake this morning though. I thought he and Alli were going to have a quiet weekend together. That’s what he had told Jeff when he left. I guess he changed his mind.

I didn’t realize that Thor and Alli had a fight until he corners me on the end of the dock.

“She hasn’t even told her parents about me,” he says, sitting down next to me on the bench. “I’m a decent looking guy. I’m going to grad school. Am I that much of a loser that her parents wouldn’t approve?”

I can’t help but laugh. He is indecently fine looking sitting next to me without his shirt. I know that he’s Jeff’s best friend, but still. That isn’t why I am laughing though. He obviously has no clue what Alli’s parents were like or he would never want to meet them. “Trust me, you don’t want them to know you exist.”

“What does that mean?”

I’m not sure if I should go into detail, but I think he deserves to know what he is in for if he wants a relationship with Alli. “Her parents are a bit overbearing. It is not worth meeting them if this is just going to be a summer thing.”

His brow furrows and his eyes squint as he glares at me. What did I say?

“Suppose they found out about me, what would happen?”

“They would very politely invite you out for dinner at the club, where they would interrogate you endlessly about your career plans and religious beliefs. And when you didn’t measure up, they would condemn you. Not because you’re a bad person, but because no one, not even themselves, can meet their standards. Then they would pinpoint your flaws and make sure that Alli was aware of each and every one of them, tenfold.” I pause hoping that helps clarify it for him. His scowl tells me I need to add more. “When I first met her mom, she tried to convince Alli that I wasn’t good friend material because my parents were going through a divorce and I was going to suck Alli dry with my emotional neediness. That was her conclusion though she had talked to me for no more than ten minutes. With guys, it’s worse. If you think Alli’s type-A personality is high strung now just wait and see what she’s like when her parents get all riled up.”

He looks out over the water following a speedboat with his eyes as it loops around the edge of the lake. “We’ve never even talked about religious differences.”

“I’m not trying to turn you off from Alli. She’s not like her folks. She views the world around her without blinders and can see outside the box. It’s just best to not stir the pot with her parents.”

“I thought she was Catholic. She went to a Catholic high school.”

“Her Nana is Catholic. But her parents joined a non-denominational church when Alli was in her teens. It’s a little extreme. I think it turned Alli off to all organized religions. You should probably talk to her about it. But I know for me with my mom’s crazy family, no one ever listens to anyone else with an open mind, so I’ve learned not to discuss religion or politics if I can help it. It just leaves me frustrated when I do. Alli probably feels the same way with her parents. It’s easier to let them assume she agrees with them. If she doesn’t make waves then she can live her life in peace.”

I could see the cogs of Thor’s brain turning in his expression. I hope I didn’t say anything wrong. I just wanted to help. He seemed so dejected, and he doesn’t deserve the psychological torture that Alli’s parents inflict. Sometimes Alli doesn’t realize that her parents don’t just affect her. They affect everyone she touches.

I hear the clomping of flip-flops against the wooden slats of the dock and I look back to see Jeff and the rest of the gang coming toward us in their swimsuits. I don’t know what else to say to Thor. I rise as Jeff spins the oversized wheel of the boatlift, clinking with each turn, to lower the boat. We’re going skiing and I still need to get my suit on before the boat leaves without me. I touch Thor’s shoulder and ask, “Are you OK?”

He nods and I know that is all I will get now that everyone else is on the dock. I squeeze past the group and hustle inside to get changed. Thor has to figure the rest out on his own. Alli is right to keep him away from her parents. I hope he understands.

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: July 5, 2013

Alli: July 5, 2013

I’m riding back to the Cities with Thor from Sarah’s family’s cabin in northern Minnesota. I wanted to stay until the weekend like the rest of the group, but I have to work this afternoon and if I miss work my mother will never let it go. Thor wanted to ride together and since he doesn’t have to work, he may head back to the cabin after he drops me off. It’s not that far that I feel too much guilt about the drive. My guilt stems from what Thor said last night.

“We should get our own place on this lake someday.”

Whoa. It stopped me in my tracks. I’m not sure if he was just blabbering because we had been drinking and were in a boat in the middle of the lake watching fireworks or if he was making plans for the future. Who knows where I will be a year from now if I don’t get into the U’s medical school, let alone five years from now. Normally I would have blown off a comment like that, but after Thor’s brother told me last week that I need to end the relationship before Thor gets hurt, I’m a bit more sensitive about him making future plans. I don’t want to hurt him.

When I first met him, he seemed so confident and smooth that I was surprised he was even interested in me. Usually, hot guys don’t even give me a second look once I open my mouth. It’s not that I’m not decent looking. I can hold my own mostly and I have lady-parts. I’m just focused and I think they see me as too much work. That’s why I usually go for geeks. They seem more willing to see past my career fixation. Maybe it’s because they have their own goals or maybe it's because they’re not used to women talking to them.

The smile on my face provokes Thor to ask, “Who are you texting?”

“No one. I’m on Tumblr, just blogging. It helps me think.”

“Think? About last night?” He winks at me and his face lights with amusement.

“You are so full of yourself.”

“I have a right to be, don’t I?” He returns his eyes to the road as if his question is rhetorical.

“I suppose you do,” I admit even though I didn’t need to answer. I can feel the blush on my cheeks burn down my neck, thinking about what happened after the fireworks ended and I’m glad he is no longer looking at me.

“Do you want to come over after you get off work?”

“I thought that you were going back up to the lake.”

He grunts skeptically. “There’s nothing there for me if you’re not there. Besides I’d be the only one without a date.”

“Sarah doesn’t have a date.” I blurt out, not wanting him to hook up with Sarah, but to prove a point that he wouldn’t be the only single.

“She is cute. But I think Jeff’s sister is a little too obsessed with the Internet guy to even notice I’m there. I’d be stuck talking to myself.”

He was right. Now that Sarah and Will were actually talking on the phone, she was even more distracted than usual. She seemed dazed last night—which is not her. She kept checking her phone and complaining about the terrible cell service on the lake. Then after the fireworks, she drove into town to make a call. We all knew who she was calling.

“Do you want to come over or not?”

“Sure, but I can’t stay. My parents know the girls are all up at the lake and that means I don’t have an excuse for staying out all night.”

“You are an adult. Just tell them you’re staying at my apartment.” He says it as if nothing could be simpler. He looks over at me and he knows right away. I tried to look away but he caught my expression. “You haven’t told them about me, have you?”

I let out a deep breath and stumble over my words. “I…you…It wouldn’t make it easier to for me to stay over. They’re not going to approve of you.”

“So I’m not good enough for your parents? What, I need a Harvard degree or just need a Ph.D. behind my name?”

Damn. That’s not what I meant. “No, they’re not going to approve of any guy I’m with until I'm in my final year of residency.”

“Well, you’re going to have to introduce me at some point. I can wait until the end of summer when you’re back at school and no longer under their roof, but I am going to meet them.”

There it was—more future plans. Do I plant the seed about the breakup or do I ignore his comment? I wait a beat too long to respond and he adds, “You don’t want them to meet me ever, do you?”

This time I’m quick to respond. “It’s for your own protection. Really it won’t be pretty.” Then I laugh to make light of my words.

“Well you’re coming to my parents for Thanksgiving weekend, so you better think up a good lie to tell your parents by then.” His words have a bitter undertone and the determined look on his face tells me that he’s going to find a way to meet my parents. He’ll make it look like an accident—probably stop over unexpectedly and say that he thought that they wouldn’t be home. Then he gets what he wants and I can’t get mad.

“If we’re still together then,” I say and I don’t know if I'm planting the seed or if I'm just conveying how serious I am about me not wanting him to meet them. The rest of the ride is pretty silent. I want to know what he’s thinking, but I’m too afraid to ask. Maybe I’ll go home after work and give us both a night to process the conversation.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler  

Perfect Alli: June 26, 2013

Alli: June 26, 2013

Thor had packed a picnic for dinner and we eat it on the beach—Thai chicken salad, with broccoli and red peppers. He says he made it, but I suspect that his brother who’s a chef made it. It tastes great. He pulls out wine and we drink it out of plastic cups as we try to hide the fact that we are drinking on a public beach.

After eating we stroll around Lake Calhoun. He keeps playfully bumping into me as we walk. When we stop to view the Minneapolis skyline—the lowering sun painting the mirrored buildings orange and red—he wraps his arms around me and pulls me against him. His breath in my ear matches mine as if we were singing a round of silent melody. As my lungs fill, his empty. Then mine empty and his fill.

We stand in silence as bikers and joggers buzz by. His words, usually so free-flowing, seem noticeably absent. I wonder what he’s thinking. Did he take his ex-fiancé here on a similar date? Is he thinking of her? Or is he thinking of last week when we went to the same coffee shop to watch a different band? I’m not sure, but he seems a bit distant. I pull him back onto the path and say, “Come on. We’re going to miss the band.” The sun won’t set until almost 9:30, but we still have to make it halfway around the lake to the coffee shop in uptown before all the tables are taken. Last week it was so packed that we had to sit around the corner from the main room and we couldn’t even see the band. “We’re not going to get a table,” I say, just to get him back on task. He smiles and follows me.

By the time we get to the coffee shop, there are people lined up against the back wall and I can’t see any open tables, not even around the corner where we sat last time. Thor pushes our way through the standing room only crowd like he owns the place and I’m thinking that he’s crazy for even trying until I see his brother. Grayson is sitting next to some girl that I know I’ve never seen before, and we slide into the booth across from them.

“Hey, Red,” says Grayson with Thor’s smile.

I didn’t notice it before but they have the same smile. I’m not really fond of the name Red, but I’ve heard it so many times that I ignore it. I return the smile and he introduces his blonde beauty of the moment. Camryn or Kya, I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter because I’ll never see her again. I wonder whether or not Thor will become more like his brother and have a different girl on his arm every week after we break up. On looks alone, he could pull it off, but I don’t think his heart would be in it. He’s not that shallow.

Thor sits for the obligatory introductions and then excuses himself to stand in line for our coffees. I know we will break up. After my meeting with Dr. Albright last week, I know I won’t have time for anything but school once it starts. Part of me is sad about that, but my rational side knows there is no other way. I refuse to be one of those girls who gets sidetracked by a man. I’m going to be a doctor, damn it. And no gorgeous smiling hard body is going to distract me from my career.

“How was the honeymoon?” Grayson asks glancing at me and then to the girl hanging on his every word. She giggles and I’m not sure if it is because she knows the story about me going on Thor’s honeymoon with him after he broke it off with his cheating fiancé or if it’s because Grayson is paying attention to her.

I don’t think his question is the most appropriate thing to say, but I answer anyway. “Satisfying.” I surprise both of us with my answer. Grayson’s eyebrows jolt up in astonishment. I am trying to knock him down to a manageable ego. It doesn’t work, though. It just spurs him on.

“It’s good to know my brother is capable of keeping up the family’s reputation,” says Grayson, his expression indicates he’s patting himself on the back for his cleverness. “I wasn’t sure you would stick around after the free vacation, but here you are.”

Irritated by his declaration I say, “I guess it must be your brother’s skills.” I scowl at him, trying to show him how inappropriate the conversation is.

He stares at me for several seconds as if he’s trying to figure me out and then adds, “Don’t hurt him. Break it off now, if you’re not going to stay with him. He doesn’t need his heart shredded again. He gets attached, obsessed almost. I can see it starting with you. If you’re not in it for the long hall, don’t string him along.”

My face must show him all he needs to know because he says, “Yeah. That’s what I thought. Break it off.”

I look over at Thor as he nears the barista’s counter. His eyes meet mine and that devilish smile spreads across his face. Was he getting too attached to me? We had only been together a few weeks. I like being with him. I really like him. He’s a better distraction than I could have ever hoped for, but he is supposed to just be a summer fling—someone to make the time pass until school starts again, nothing more. I meant to tell him on the flight home that I wouldn’t be able to see him after school starts. It isn’t that I’m avoiding the subject. It’s just never the right time.

I look back over to Grayson. I hate it when people tell me what to do. I get enough of that from my parents. “Why would I do that? I like Thor. I’m sure he only sees me as a rebound anyway, someone to help get him over his cheating fiancé.”

Cora, or whatever her name is, has her phone out and is texting now. I guess she’s tired of being left out of the conversation. Grayson pulls his arm from behind her and leans over the table, talking directly at me in a hushed tone. “You better not hurt him.”

Why do people keep saying that? He’s not some fragile child. He’s the one who asked me on the trip. He was in control the whole time. “I don’t have a red room of pain,” I say and the girl next to him giggles, catching the Fifty Shades reference. “Your brother is stronger than you think. Why do you think I’m going to hurt him?”

“He is obviously more into you than you are to him.”

I shake my head. Grayson doesn’t know what he is talking about. Thor isn’t needy or clingy. It’s not like we even talk or text every day. We’re just taking it one day at a time. Aren’t we?

Thor slides into his seat next to me and rests his arm on the back of the booth behind me. “What did I miss?” he asks, pushing my iced latte toward me.

I shrug not sure what to say. Then the girl next to Grayson says, “Your honeymoon.” She doesn’t even look up from her phone. Her fingers are moving, quickly typing out a text.

In a fatherly tone, Grayson says, “Cara.” Her name must be Cara. I’m surprised he remembered it.

“What? She said that he satisfied her.” She looks up and meets Grayson’s glare. “It wasn’t anything bad.”

“Bro, did you really ask Allison if I…” The words catch in Thor’s throat. He gapes at his brother in disbelief.

Grayson laughs and answers, “She offered it freely. It’s good to know you can play ball with the rest of us. She also told us that she didn’t have a red room of pain, but I suspect that’s a lie. It’s always the quiet ones who go over the edge.”

Oh my god. I am completely mortified. Grayson definitely won this match. Thor looks over at me for confirmation and I’m sure that my skin matches my hair—bright red. Just then the band starts to introduce themselves. Thor’s expressions says he wants to hear more about our conversation. I don’t think he really wants to know the rest of our discussion. Grayson is crazy. Thor is cautious. He’s not going into this blindfolded. On our trip, he told me that he would probably never marry. What does that say to a girl? Besides, it’s not even the Fourth of July yet. I have two months before summer’s end. The band starts up before anyone says anymore and it is so loud in the small space that we can no longer talk. Thor’s fingers find my bare shoulder and I know that I’ve made the right choice to wait. I didn’t even know him a month ago—who knows what will happen by the end of summer. Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: June 19, 2013

Alli:  June 19, 2013

I’m sitting in the parlor of our old Victorian house as Mom rants about the new computer software in her office not interfacing with her tablet. She’s telling me all the different actions she’s taken to alleviate the problem and all I can think about is my week with Thor. I can still feel his touch, his hard muscles pressed perfectly to my curves, his fingers tangled in my hair. The week in Mexico was flawless.

He just sent me a text. Missed your warmth in my bed last night. His words cause all kinds of emotions to bubble through my body. It’s hard to keep the smile off my face. I don’t know how I’m going to spend the rest of the summer denying his existence to my parents, but I know that it is the easiest way to deal with them.

Me:  Want to do something tonight? I need to get out of here.
Thor:  Sure. There’s a band, I like, playing near Lake Calhoun. 
Me:  I’ll be over @6.
Thor:  Sleepover? 

I should talk to my friends to get an alibi before I answer. I look up and nod to keep my mom pacified. If she paid an ounce of attention to me she would see how last week changed me. She would know that I didn’t go grad-school shopping with Megan and that I left every bit of the old me at home to become someone new. I’m not sure I can be the person she thinks I am, anymore.

“We’re having brunch with Nana at the club on Sunday. She’s bringing one of the professors and his wife, and she wants you to make a good impression. He’s on the admissions committee for the medical school.” Her words penetrate the fog in my head.

“What?” I didn’t mean for my voice to sound so disrespectful, but I honestly wasn’t sure I heard her correctly.

“Frank Albright. Your grandmother has arranged for us to have brunch with him and his wife at the country club. If you impress him, which I am sure you will, he will recommend you for acceptance next fall. Even though applications aren’t in, they are already discussing candidates for next year’s admissions and Nana wants to make sure you are on the committee’s radar.”

Her confidence in my ability to impress feels like a lie. I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents and Nana. I’ve seen it so many times on their faces. Like when I missed “amphoteric” in the last round of the fourth-grade spelling bee and when I got a 32 on my ACTs. How many times did I watch my parents cringe when one of their friends or a relative asked my college entrance exam score? Finally, they insisted I take it again even though I didn't need a higher score to get into the U. Right now, part of me wants to run away and hide at Thor’s apartment to avoid all my responsibilities. Not once last week did I feel like a failure. Thor never made me feel inadequate, not even when I had the panic attack. Still, there’s another part of me that wants to pour all my energy into impressing Dr. Albright. I’m torn.

I type out a text to Thor without responding to my mother’s comment.
Me:  Maybe. I’ll bring my toothbrush just in case.

As a man, I’m sure he thinks that’s a “yes” and it is, but even if there is a little doubt it will keep me in control. I feel them without even looking up—my mother’s blue eyes analyzing me.

“Allison, tell Megan that you’ll talk to her later. We need to strategize for Sunday’s brunch.”

Her assumption is all telling. I want to shout that I’m not texting Megan. I want to blurt out that I’m talking to the guy who I spent a week in Mexico with, the guy whose apartment I’m probably going to be sleeping at tonight, but I won’t. It would put my mom in the hospital if I did. I pull together a smile and meet her eyes. “Is he the one that suggested that I tag along on that mission trip with Doctors without Borders last summer?”

“He is. Let’s just be thankful you got it over with last summer. Having an experience like that on your resume will help you stand out. And remember what a great experience that was.”

“Yes, it was.” The trip would have been a great experience if I had been able to stay in a hotel and not a hut, and if the bugs hadn’t been as big as birds. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a camper and I live for hot showers (which were few and far between on that trip).

“Let’s face it, Allison, your life here is pretty uneventful,” she adds.

Uneventful? I want to roll my eyes. My mind goes immediately to Thor…Oh, by the way, Mom, I spent last week in a foreign country with a gorgeous man you’ve never met. We went parasailing, snorkeling and nightclubbing. We hiked a sacred Mayan city and saw dolphins, sting rays and a guy getting pickpocketed. Absolutely boring.

“I know. My life is so lame. I really need to get out more,” I tell her, but I can’t keep the corner of my lips from turning up. “I’m sleeping at Megan’s house tonight, if that’s OK. We’re going to catch some band she follows.” I’m not really asking, but it’s easier if she thinks I am.

I type out another text to Thor, Got 2 go. CU L8R.

Then I turn my attention back to my mother. “It was so wonderful of Nana to set up brunch with Dr. Albright. I can’t wait to meet him.” My words are pretty much the opposite of my real feelings, but this is my life. I never realized how messed up it was until Thor pointed it out on our trip.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect All: June 12, 2013

Alli: June 12, 2013

The text that Jessica sent me this morning seemed too much of a coincidence to not be a fishing exposition. Good night? She asked with all kinds of hidden connotations. OK. So I knew Thor told Jeff about last night and Jeff must have told Jessica. I wasn’t used to my friends having full access to my private life. It’s not that I keep much from them, but it’s different if I’m in control of the spin. I don’t like feeling that I’ve lost my filter. I didn't know what to text back, especially if there was a chance Thor could see it.

He was so sweet last night—his lips soft and gentle. I’ve never had a guy treat me like he worshiped me before. It was as if all he wanted was to know every part of me. He asked me several times what I liked, but not having much experience I really didn’t know how to answer. “You have to tell me. I’ve only been with one other girl,” he said. I didn’t have the ability to process his words. All I knew was he seemed to know without my answer and I didn’t want that to change. He was perfect.

Later when my brain was working again I wondered out loud how he made it through high school with his v-card. I knew that he met Nora in college. “I mean, you’re so hot.” My fingers skimmed his hard abdomen. “How come girls weren’t jumping you in the hallway at school?” We were lying on the bed, my head tucked in the crook of his very masculine arm.

He laughed and without hesitation admitted, “I was a geek in high school, not to the Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory extreme, but still not the guy most girls would consider jumping in the hallway.”

“I’ve always had a thing for geeks. I bet I would have dated you.”

“Trust me you wouldn’t have.”

“I bet if you had just asked, girls would have gone out with you.”

“Zero confidence—that was me. I never asked a girl out until you. A late bloomer I guess.” We lay in silence for a few seconds until he added, “The summer before college I grew five inches and it gave me the boost to reinvent myself. My brothers were always willing to give me advice about women and I started listening to them. I got a decent haircut and began lifting weights. Nora asked me out the first week of freshman year.” I ran my fingers through his flawless hair unable to imagine it styled any differently, wishing Nora wasn’t in bed with us.

“My roommate, Megan, calls me a geek all the time, because all I ever do is study, work and try to please my parents.”

“From what you told me, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t please them.”

His thumb brushed over my bottom lip and a shutter pulsed through my body. I smiled. The thought of my parents finding out seemed funny to me. Even though, in reality, it would be horrific.

“I wonder what they would do if they saw me right now.”

“Should we call them?” he asked, teasing. “We could FaceTime. You should probably comb your hair first, though.” He laughed as he pretended to reach for my cell on the nightstand.

I tackled his arm before he could reach it and he pulled me on top of him. That was enough to distract us from talking for a while.

When we finally emerged from our room it was almost noon. We were walking down to the beach and he surprised me by asking, “Why don’t you change your major to fashion? I mean look at you. Your necklace coordinates with your sandals and the ties on your cover-up. How many pre-med students have that kind of fashion sense?”

“Are you sure you’re not gay?” I knew he wasn’t, but how many guys would notice those details.

The hand that was curled around my waist slid to my behind. “Yeah. I’m sure.” A brilliant smile spread across his face and I wondered what part of last night or this morning was eliciting his expression. He shook his head as if he was clearing it, before asking, “Give me one good reason you couldn’t be a fashion designer?”

“I like to eat. And I have no desire to be the manager of the junior’s department at Macy’s. Besides, my parents would disown me.” The truth was I had thought about a career in fashion when I was younger, but as I grew up I realized that it wasn’t a viable option.

“It’s just a thought. It wouldn’t have to be fashion. You’re an adult. You don’t have to do what your parents tell you. I don’t think your heart is in medicine.”

I rolled my eyes. I only have one year left on my undergrad degree. I would have to be crazy to change my major now. “It would be easier just to finish med school. You don’t know my parents.”

I told him what my mom’s reaction would be—how she would insist that I was having an anxiety episode. She would hook me up with some Ativan to calm me down and we’d talk for hours and hours until she convinced me that I was letting my fear of failure cloud my thinking. Her fears always seemed to transfer to me.

“Classic transference—my mother would call it if she could see herself objectively,” I said. How many times had my mother and I talked about “my” fear of failure.

Thor and I discussed the worst parts of our families the rest of the afternoon until Jessica sent me a second text. I’m waiting. I hadn’t answered her first one. It was a bit weird knowing that anything that I told her could get back to Thor.

I showed Thor my phone and he cringed with a guilty expression. He probably didn’t realize how quickly it would get back to me. I typed my reply and then showed him again before pushing send. So good that I’m still trying to catch my breath.

He leaned in and kissed the pulse point on my shoulder with a growl reverberating in his throat. “Let’s head back to the room.”

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: June 11, 2013

Alli:  June 11, 2013

The ride out to the reef didn’t bother me at all, but within a few minutes of leaving shore, the woman next to me turned the most interesting shade of green. When she started puking over the side and her new husband wouldn’t even hold her hair back, Thor and I started placing bets on how long the couple’s marriage would last. Thor thought they could last a year, but I was convinced they wouldn’t make it to the end of the week. The guy tried to placate her for a while until his wife demanded that the boat turn around and return her to shore. It didn’t seem to matter to her that there were four other couples who had paid for two hours of swimming with sea turtles and tropical fish. Maybe the boat was too small to be taken out in the large waves, but no one else was getting sick and we weren’t going to be punished because she forgot to take her Dramamine. When the boat anchored and the woman’s husband was the first one in the water, I admitted to Thor that I didn’t think I would ever get married. He smiled and said, “Yeah. Me neither.”
  
For some reason, his words relaxed me. After his comment, I knew that he would be all right with my decision to end whatever this was by the end of the summer. I needed to tell him though. I had promised Jessica I would. Snorkeling wasn’t really the time to tell him about my plans to concentrate on school and only school. And who knew if we would even make it until the end of summer. I decided to see how the week ended.
   
The giant flippers flapped comically as we tromped across the boat to the swim ramp, but once in the water, the flippers felt magical. They propelled us twenty feet without any effort. It was the first time that I had worn them and I didn’t realize how effective they were. We were as far from the boat as we were allowed before Thor wrapped his arms across my belly from behind and started kissing my neck. I guess he was done waiting for me. We treaded water effortlessly with our flippers and the mandatory life jackets we were both wearing.

“Tonight?” he whispered in my ear, his words full of hope and fear of rejection.
I shook my head and his grasp on me loosened slightly. I could feel his disappointment. As he began to pull away, I turned in his arms and clarified. “When we get back to the room. Why wait?” To hell with it, I thought. I was here. He was here. I wasn’t going to get this opportunity again. LIVE, I told myself.

A groan sounded from deep in his throat right before his lips crushed mine with an intensity that I had never felt before. He pulled my legs up around him and his fingers feathered lightly under the edges of my suit. Several minutes passed with us immersed in only each other and when we finally broke apart, my breathing was so erratic that I had to pause before engaging my snorkel. I could tell that Thor was feeling it too. Let me just say, he filled out his new swim trunks spectacularly. My head was still spinning when I affixed my goggles and blew the water out of my tube.

The fish were beautiful and graceful, but not as colorful as Nemo and that was disappointing. For the first hour, I was completely comfortable sharing the water with the not-colorful-enough fish, but then I spotted the ray fluttering across the sand below me. It had probably been there the whole time. That didn’t matter, though. I remembered hearing about the crocodile guy being killed by one and I started to freak out. Kicking to irrationally drive it away, sand clouded the water. I hadn’t had a full blown panic attack since high school, but I knew that I was in the middle of one. I couldn’t see the ray anymore. I couldn’t see anything with my flippers stirring up the ocean’s bottom. No one could.

Then out of nowhere, Thor pulled me in, pinning my arms down tight against my body like my mother used to do to stop an attack when I was little.

“It’s just another fish,” he whispered in my ear.

With his arms wrapped around me, rational thought trickled back into my head and the panic about the ray trying to kill me transformed into mortifying embarrassment. My heart pounded in my chest. I knew Thor could feel it.

“Just breathe,” he said.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on filling my lungs. How did he know what to do, when I had forgotten? Several minutes later, as my mind came back to reality and my body started functioning again, I relaxed against Thor and said, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” he answered and then pressed his lips gently to mine. The kiss was tender and sweet, and just what I needed to occupy the space in my head. He didn’t ask me about my panic attack when we swam back to the boat. He acted like nothing had happened and I was grateful.

On the ride back to shore, a full-blown name-calling argument played out between the puking woman and her husband and as she admitted that she should never have married him, she tried to gain support from the rest of us trapped on the boat for the show. No one offered any input. I liked her better when she was vomiting. That’s when Thor leaned in and admitted that I would win the bet.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: June 10, 2013

Alli: June 10, 2013

A cockroach. Yesterday, I saw my very first cockroach. I didn’t even know what it was. It scampered across the adobe wall of the café where we were eating lunch, like it owned the place, while I screamed as if a shark had clamped onto my leg. The restaurant looked clean when we wandered off the beach in search of food, but after Thor identified the giant bug I completely lost my appetite. It didn’t seem to bother him though. He scarfed down his sandwich and then tried to convince me that cockroaches were a part of life down here and it didn’t mean the eatery was unsanitary. “Have you seen them before?” I questioned him. He said that in college he worked in a big electronics store and when people brought in their DVD players and TVs because they had suddenly stopped working, half the time he would crack them open to find the insides caked with cockroach carcasses.

“Apparently they like eating electronics.”

I didn’t even know they existed in the Midwest. As I pictured what he described my stomach started to heave. I swallowed trying to imagine a distraction—shopping at the Mall of America, the beach’s white sand under my feet. It helped settle my stomach a little, but cockroaches kept crawling into the scenes I visualized and I saw myself stomping on them in my designer sandals. I realized at that moment that I wouldn’t be ingesting much on this trip.

The rest of the day breezed by. Thor and I bummed around the beach and slept most of the day. I should say he slept most of the day. Fictional cockroaches kept me from closing my eyes. We waded in the gorgeous blue water and he tried to coax me deeper. I wouldn’t go. I was already in up to my thighs. I’m sure he envisioned nothing more than a Twilight-esk make-out session, but I got spooked. I don’t know what was wrong with me. Being from the land of ten thousand lakes, I know how to swim. I started swim lessons at the age of two. I’ve been swimming in the ocean before, but I still couldn’t let myself go. I’m not sure if it was the threat of aquatic wildlife, the surf’s undertow or just the desire in Thor’s eyes that hindered me. It’s not like he was going to take me right there in the water in front of everyone. For being so smart, I’m really stupid sometimes. He backed off a bit after that and I regretted denying him.
 
As the nightlife set in, we headed to a bar not far from the hotel. Neither of us was in the mood for the big clubs that were advertised EVERYWHERE. I was exhausted, not having any good sleep since Friday night, but Thor seemed energized. The bar had a DJ, with a small lit dance floor, and we started with an Adele song—my hands around his neck, and his grasping my hips. His dancing wasn’t great but decent enough to keep me in his firm hold. His touch felt so good and we continued to slow dance even after the beat picked up on the next song. After what seemed like an hour on our feet, we retreated to a table, where we shared a bottle of chardonnay. We talked and laughed and laughed some more. I really liked his sense of humor—intelligent and not crude. We stayed out late and by the time we made it back to the hotel, I was practically asleep. Thor helped me out of my dress and I crumpled onto the bed, without even brushing my teeth. I was out before he returned.

It’s morning now, and the room darkening shades are the only barrier keeping that fact from glaring in our faces. I’ve showered and brushed my teeth (finally). Thor is still sleeping. I know I should wake him to get us back on the same schedule, but he looks so peaceful. He tries putting up a front to tell the world that Nora didn’t hurt him. I can see it though when he reaches for me and then catches himself as if he forgot I wasn’t her. It doesn’t bother me that he forgets. He was with her a long time and habits are hard to break. I knew what this was when I agreed to come on the trip, but still part of me wants him fully aware of me. I want to be the one he reaches, for not her.  
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: June 9, 2013

Alli: June 9, 2013

When Sarah dropped me at Thor’s apartment yesterday, I had already passed all the tests with my parents. They wanted an agenda for the trip with hotels and flights, but that was easy enough to fake and they seemed satisfied with what I had worked up. I told them that Megan was taking care of all the costs and I was just going as a favor to her. By the time I was done, they were completely convinced that Megan and I were flying into Los Angeles and renting a car so we could visit graduate schools. They even gave me spending money—$300 and I had my credit card (which they pay) just in case. I wondered if they would notice when the charges came from Mexico instead of California.

Sarah’s pep talk, in the car, helped me get centered. She reminded me that I was in charge and that I should always stay in my comfort zone.

“Thor is a guy and will push for what he can get, but that doesn’t mean anything. Just have fun,” she said.

I laughed because since Sarah’s breakup with her high school boyfriend she rarely dated. And for Sarah, love was required to give into the male determination. Maybe that’s why Internet dating worked for her—no pressure. I’m not Sarah though. Love just complicates life. Not that I would know. I’ve never been in love—never taken the time to see if it was even possible. I don’t think my parents love each other. At least not in the passionate way depicted in the movies. They tolerate one another and coexist in a symbiotic lifestyle that benefits them both. They’ve spent twenty-one years molding me into their likeness. Am I destined to settle for comfortable?

Once, when I was in high school, I walked in on Sarah’s parents making out in their kitchen—David’s hand on his wife’s ass, pulling her up into the kiss. Lust burned in their eyes even after I disturbed them. I was sixteen. I didn’t know passion existed inside a marriage. I stared wide-eyed at them as they laughed off my interruption. I’d never seen it at home. My parents’ idea of affection was a peck on the cheek or coming home at the end of a long workday and sharing a meal.

I think about Thor, and wonder if he and his ex had been together for so long that their hunger dissolved into coexistence? Unlike my parents Thor seems very passionate and why else would Nora cheat? From the little I’ve seen of him I can’t imagine a need to stray, but then again, I’ve never met his brother Harry. He must be amazing.

Thor didn’t talk much on the flight. We mostly slept. If I ever get married (which I doubt I will), I will not be spending my wedding night on an airplane. The idea is completely asinine. Exhausted from planning and executing the “most important day of your life,” you get on a plane—where you breathe air that has already been through three other people’s lungs—and then you spend a week in a foreign country popping vitamin C tabs trying to boost your immune system enough so that your exhausted body doesn’t cecum to whatever disease you were exposed to on your flight. Luckily Thor and I didn’t have the stress of a wedding. I did bring my vitamin C, though.

We’re lying on the beach right now, after getting into the hotel a couple of hours ago. Thor is sleeping on a lounge chair next to me, which allows me to examine his body more carefully. It really is quite beautiful. He definitely lifts weights…and does crunches, possibly in preparation for his honeymoon, but maybe more long term. He’s started a beard this week, but it’s perfectly groomed, like his hair. His hair. How does it stay flawlessly in place even while he sleeps? It makes me want to run my fingers through it just to mess it up. He would be the perfect picture of a man if not for his swim trunks. Big red hibiscus flowers on a turquoise background—yuck. The length alone dates his shorts, but the pattern is at least three seasons past its prime. I will have to find him something more current. Fashion is the one thing I can fix.

The sun threatens to sneak under the giant umbrella shading the two of us. Even though I have slathered on the sunscreen, I know I can’t sit here much longer without altering the shadow-maker. OK. I got up and fixed it. Thor didn’t even move. We should have another hour before I have to readjust. The view from our cover is unbelievable—white sand, crystal clear water and blue sky for as far as I can see. I forgot how loud the ocean is. The noise from the constant battering of the waves is like Melatonin on my brain, pushing me to sleep. I’m too anxious to give in though—worried about the sleeping arrangements or more accurately, the non-sleeping arrangements for the evening. I figure it will go one of two ways. Either Thor will be thinking about her and be too depressed to try anything with me or he’ll want to completely wrap his mind (or whatever) around me to forget her. I hate not knowing what to expect. I guess I’ll just have to plan for both. I’m in charge, right?
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: June 4, 2013

Alli: June 4, 2013

 

I met the girls in Stillwater for lunch this afternoon. The day was gorgeous. The sun warmed us as we sat at our usual table on the restaurant’s large deck. I hadn’t seen Sarah or Jessica since Memorial weekend and I hadn’t spoken to any of them since I agreed to go to Mexico with Thor. I held my tongue about the trip for a good thirty minutes, while Sarah told us all about her last date with the Internet guy. I didn’t say a word about how it was never going to work. I mean, the guy supposedly lived in Los Angeles, right? How was an online relationship ever going to become more when he wouldn’t even give her his last name? I guess it wasn’t just the trip, I was holding my tongue about.

Jessica and Jeff were back in their blissed state and Megan had met a guy at the gym she was thinking about asking out. Everything seemed back in place. Normal, for my friends. That is until Jessica asked, “Are you really going to Cancun with Thor?” Jeff had told her. Apparently Thor sent Jeff a text about it on Saturday morning.

I smiled, feeling a little ambushed, and tried not to scowl at Jessica. I had planned out exactly how I would work it into conversation and Jessica’s announcement threw me a bit. “I am. Do you have any ideas for what to tell my parents?”

“You can’t be serious. Isn’t that going to be a little weird shacking up with him in the honeymoon suite when he was supposed to be there with his new bride?” Jessica asked.

Yeah. That was going to be weird. “He said we could take it slow and he wasn’t going to pressure me into doing anything if I wasn’t ready. We’re just going to hang out at the beach, go snorkeling and relax. I need a vacation from my parents. It’s not that big of a deal.”

They stared at me as if I had just stripped my clothes off and was dancing on the table. I took a bite of my sandwich to avoid having to talk, trying not to think about what I had gotten myself into.

“Are you dating? Or looking for a relationship with him? How would you define it?” asked Sarah. She said it in a way that made me not want to answer her truthfully.

“Why?” I questioned.

“I’ve known him for a couple of years and he’s always been a really nice guy, but he just broke up with his fiancé. I worry that you and he want different things,” she answered.

“I don’t think that either of us is looking for a lifetime commitment. Once school starts, I won’t have time to date anyone. So at the most it’s probably just a summer fling.” And there it was my invisible bubble of protection. School. It prevented my emotions from getting slaughtered. I didn’t need to worry about getting hurt, because I always had my education to keep me from getting close to anyone.

“Does he know that?” asked Jessica.

“You know me. I’ll tell him.” Most guys loved that I didn’t get attached, but something told me that Thor was different. He wasn’t the typical drunken frat boy, who lived for one night hook ups, or the biology lab partner, who wantonly stared for weeks before asking me out. I figure that if I tell Thor up front at the beginning of our relationship it won’t be a surprise at the end of summer when I have to refocus my attention to school.
  
“So how are you going to get your passport from your mom?” Megan asked.

“I don’t know. Any ideas?” I hadn’t even thought about my passport.

“Well, you can’t say that you’re taking a trip with Sarah or even Jess. Your mom would call their parents to get the details. But you and I could take a trip—who is she going to call, my dad? She’d have to take your word for it. It will have to be somewhere warm because she will see what you pack.”

“My parents will look at my passport when I get back, so we either have to go to Cancun, which I doubt they will let me do, or I’ll have to sneak it from them.”

“You could say that you and Megan were going to California to check out grad schools,” stated Jessica. “Your mom would be all for you helping one of us better ourselves.” Megan was looking at a couple west coast schools and we had talked about taking a trip to get a better feel for them.

“If anyone is going to California, it should be me.” Sarah lip pouted out and I felt bad, realizing just how badly she wanted to meet the Internet guy.

“Checking out schools could work. My mom wouldn’t check it if it was a domestic trip and I could say I needed it because it's a better ID. I wouldn’t even have to sneak it.”

“As long as she doesn’t check it when you get back,” added Jessica.

“No, this could work,” I said. “I’m an adult. What can they do after the fact?” And though I sounded tough, I knew there was plenty my parents could do if they found out. “Those tracking devices they used in Hunger Games are illegal, right?”

“They wouldn’t need that. They would just lock you in your room,” said Megan before taking a sip of her iced tea.

“No I still have to become a doctor. I think they would go with a tracking device—probably put it in while I was sleeping.”

“You’d wake up with a big needle mark on your arm and a lump under your skin. And when you left the house it would glow green,” added Sarah with a chuckle.

“OK. We all know what my parents are capable of, but I think it’s my best bet. At least I will get to go.”

“My sister lost her passport once and had to get a duplicate. You could just tell your parents that you can’t find it. They’ll be angry at you, but probably not as mad as they would be if they found out that you shared a week of unwed pleasure with Thor,” stated Jessica.

I shook my head. I wasn’t even sure I would sleep with him. “I can deal with my parents.” Who was I kidding—my parents scared me to death. “I’m more worried about being alone with Thor. Tell me what I don’t know about him.”

“He told you about what broke up his engagement, right?” asked Sarah.

“Yes, but not until I completely embarrassed myself in front of his brothers.” I shared the story of what had happened on Friday night and how Thor said I was the only one who hadn’t treated him like he was suicidal. I told my friends everything and in the end they understood why I had to go on the trip. Thor may not have been suicidal, but he really needed a friend and I knew I could be that for him.

We used our phones to look up hotels and flights to make our school visitation story realistic just in case my parents wanted details. Sarah said she would drive me to meet Thor on Saturday and Megan promised to avoid Sarah’s and Jessica’s parents for the week. It appeared as if my deception would work. Now all I had to do was tell my parents.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: June 1, 2013

Alli:  June 1, 2013

I drove to Thor’s apartment last night. He had offered to pick me up at my parent’s, but there was no way I wanted them to know where I was going. I couldn’t believe it when my GPS took me right past the house that the girls and I rent during the school year. He lives only eight blocks from it. I parked on the street in front of the brick building. I wasn’t sure what to expect for the evening. He never really said what our plans were, just to come over around 6:30.

Thor met me near the entrance. His eyes perused my form and he smiled, saying, “You look great.” His hand found the small of my back and as we walked up the stairs he began warning me about his obnoxious brother Grayson whom I would be meeting as soon as we reached the apartment. “Ignore everything he says. Actually, you should just ignore him completely. Pretend he’s not there.” His voice rang with a nervous nerdiness that did not match his confident looks, and I wondered which personality was real, the nerd or the flirt.

When we entered the apartment I could feel ten pairs of eyes scan my body, assessing me and I worried that my blouse and maxi-skirt were too see-through. Thor led me around the room, introducing me to the guests and I immediately forgot their names. As we approached the last cluster of guests, three guys and one woman, I could tell right away that the guys were his brothers. They all had the same dark hair and dark eyes but varied in their other features.

Grayson, not the tallest, but easily the best looking of all the men in the room stepped forward and said, “Welcome to our apartment, Allison. Did my little brother offer you a drink yet?” He turned. Behind him a decorative ice tub bathed bottles of beer and wine, while others sat opened on the counter. We’ve got Chardonnay, Merlot, Malbec or Moscato for wine and for beer we have Summit Pale Ale, Fat Tire or Leinenkugel’s. It’s just the regular Leinie’s, not the Summer Shandy or Honey Weiss.” His dark brown eyes eagerly awaited my answer, as if I had a clue what he had just said.

I wasn’t used to grown-up parties. My parents don’t drink, so I haven’t had a lot of experience choosing wine or beer and I've only been twenty-one since February. I turned to Thor for some help. “A white wine?” I said, but it came out as a question. I had never tasted a good red and I wasn’t sure which one was white.

“The Chardonnay,” Thor said, saving me. We chatted with his brothers for several minutes until the brother who was literally a chef and was making dinner shooed us out of the kitchen.

The apartment had real furniture, not the disposable kind found in student housing and I liked the contemporary style of it. Thor and I settled on the couch, with our drinks, and his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I would have felt very comfortable there, very sophisticated, if it hadn’t been for the nasty sideways glances I was getting from the female party guests. The women at the party seemed annoyed by my presence and I started to get the feeling that they were all friends with Thor’s ex.

“Allison, Ted says you’re planning on going to medical school. Where do you want to go?” asked Paul, the brother who was doing his residency in Boston.

“I’ve looked at John Hopkins, Ann Arbor, and Seattle, but I would really like to just stay here at the U of M.” We talked about medical school for a good twenty minutes until a loud crash and cursing bellowed from the kitchen and Paul excused himself to help the chef.

Thor leaned in and whispered, “They are very impressed with you. I’m glad I didn’t have to face them alone tonight. Thanks for coming.” His hot breath in my ear sent a shiver down my spine and I turned with a smile. “We can skip out after dinner. They’ll be here for hours and won’t even notice we’re missing,” his eyes dark and playful. I nodded.

As the evening progressed, the group emptied all the wine and I finished one of the best meals that I had ever eaten. Unfortunately, there was a lot that I didn’t’ know about Thor’s breakup and I was the only one out of the loop. My embarrassment started when I remembered that Thor had four brothers and only three were present. Of course, I asked, “Where’s your other brother? There’s five of you, right?”

“Oh my God. You didn’t tell her. Maybe you should tell Alli why our dear brother Harry isn’t here,” stated Grayson.

Thor shot him a death glare. “Just…don’t.” Several curses followed and he added, “The effer died. Let’s leave it at that.” Only he didn’t say effer.

“Tell us how you really feel, Ted,” blared one of my haters in a shrill voice.

“Ted, you should bring your new girlfriend on that little vacation you have coming up. Wouldn’t that be perfect?” said Paul.

“Alli and I are leaving now. Hope you all rot in hell. Come on.” Thor motioned toward the door.

“Don’t go. We’re just joking around,” pleaded Grayson.

We left and Thor apologized for his family. We walked six blocks, without much conversation, to an ice cream shop. I figured Thor needed to recover from his family’s reaction to my question. I was sure his brother hadn’t really died but was dead to Thor. I didn’t have to fret long about it, because after he bought me an ice cream cone, he explained it all to me.

He had stopped by Nora’s apartment unexpectedly one morning and found his brother’s car in the lot. He knew right away something was going on between them, but he had to see it for himself. Now he wished he had just walked away. The visual of his fiancée and brother going at it in the shower made him want to gouge his eyes out. She had admitted to cheating with Harry off and on for six months. She said it didn’t mean anything, that she still wanted to get married, that she would never see Harry again. Even as she pleaded with him, he knew it was something he couldn’t get past. “It would be like having sex with my brother,” he said. He canceled the wedding that morning, but the honeymoon was nonrefundable.
 
“You should come with me. I’ve already paid for the trip. Otherwise I’ll just be sitting at home. I’m not going by myself.”

I stared at my dripping ice cream. I was really too full to eat it. I couldn’t take a trip with him. I didn’t even know him. “Um.” I rose off the bench, where we were sitting, and threw my cone in the trash. When I returned to the bench, his hand covered mine.

“You are the only person, I’ve told, who doesn’t look at me like I’m a dying puppy. Everyone acts as if I’m one step from suicide. But I’m not. I’m just mad as hell. What if I hadn’t found out? What if we’d gotten married? I’m much better off this way. I can move on.” He squeezed my hand. “Next week is going to suck whether I’m here or on a beach in Mexico. I’d love you to come. Just think about it. Maybe your friends can cover for you with your parents. They wouldn’t even have to know.”

I met his eyes, unsure what to say. I’m not the kind of girl who runs off with a stranger to a foreign country. I already told him that my job didn’t start for two weeks, so I couldn’t use it as an excuse. I didn’t need an excuse, though. I could have just said no. I felt the word forming on my tongue. But when he smoothed my hand against his hard abdomen and a cocky smile spread across his face, I knew I could come up with a lie to tell my parents. I’d gotten good at misleading them over the years. The truth was, I wanted to go. I liked Thor. And I needed some life experience before medical school consumed me. I pressed my lips together still debating, then took a deep breath and asked, “When do we leave?”
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Sarah's Journal: May 27, 2013

Sarah:  May 27, 2013 

When did I step into the Twilight Zone? I’m in the back seat heading home from the weirdest weekend that I have ever had in my life. I told Jeff and Jess that I was putting my headphones on so that I could write in my journal without distractions, but really I did it so they could talk. Something is messed up between them and they really need to figure it out. Jeff has been avoiding being alone with Jessica all weekend and she’s obviously miffed at him. Anyone could see it, especially after the bonfire. They better work it out because I’m pretty sure I would pick her if their relationship ended in a divorce and that would make for some really interesting family holidays.

Whatever their problem is, started when Mom caught them in bed together on Saturday morning. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, but at least it wasn’t my dad. He knows, though. Why couldn’t Mom just keep it to herself? Dad cornered me in the kitchen on Sunday morning and asked me how serious Jeff and Jessica were. Really? 

“They’re serious enough,” I said. The scowl on my face should have told him how uncomfortable I was talking about my brother and my best friend’s sex life, but he didn’t catch on.

“Your mother and I didn’t realize that they were so committed.”

“Well. They are,” I said, not sure what else to say. 

“They’re not getting engaged, are they?” He had the strangest look on his face.

I shook my head. Why do parents assume that their children are virgins until their wedding nights? They are such hypocrites. I mean, with the stories Mom tells—I don’t get it. I’m never going to be like that. My dad seemed satisfied with my answer and didn’t ask any more questions. My parents are usually forward thinkers. Usually. They accept people for who they are, faults and all, and don’t linger on past mistakes. That’s why this threw me. I’ve seen Alli’s parents practically dictate her life to her, not allowing her to make decisions—never giving her enough room to make them. My parents aren’t like them. Weekend in the Twilight Zone—totally.

And if drama-with-Dad wasn't bad enough, Jeff’s ex-roommate Thor showed up and unloaded his sad story on me while we were putting the dock in. I'm not lying. It was the epitome of a Gerry Springer show. Then at the bonfire, he starts flirting with me, even after I told him I was seeing someone. I am. I am seeing someone. Thor just broke up with his fiancé that week and he’s flirting with me? When Alli and Megan showed up, I was just looking for an escape. I should have had Megan sit next to him. She’s much more equipped to deal with guys like that. I felt sorry for him though. I thought that he would be better off with Alli, after all that he had been through. She’s usually sweet and doesn’t get too involved with guys. But I didn’t know she was on a bender weekend. Now what? She and Thor made plans for next Friday. I don’t want her to be his rebound. Do I tell her about Thor or do I give him the benefit of the doubt? Jeff says he’s always been a decent guy. Still, breakups change people. 

Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler 

Perfect Alli: May 27, 2013

Alli:  May 27, 2013

Thor and I drove for fifteen minutes in the rain while I told him all about my future plans. I didn’t want to talk about myself. It didn’t fit into my "escape-my-life weekend." Most guys get a little intimidated by my plans, but he actually sounded interested. So I told him what he wanted to know and I tried not to think about how the conversation wanted to make me vomit.

I had no idea where we were when we ended up on another dirt road and the skies grew even darker, inundating us with a relentless waterfall across the windshield. The wipers couldn’t keep up. Thor threw the truck into park in the middle of the road, unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to me in his shirtless glory, saying, “I’d rather look at you anyway.” His eyes so dark that no pupil showed, he unfastened my seatbelt and pulled on my arm to gently draw me closer to him. “So…Alli, you’re going to be a doctor. What kind of doctor are you going to be?”

His words may have been innocent but his eyes said something completely not. Play doctor with me, they coaxed. I shrugged my shoulders and turned my eyes to the pouring rain, just to catch my thought. “My mom is a psychiatrist,” I said. I didn’t want to see his expression when he heard that. People are always unsettled by her profession. “And my dad is a neurosurgeon.”

“A brain surgeon?”

“Yes,” I said with little enthusiasm, turning my eyes back to him. He gazed at the ceiling of the truck with his head against the window as if he was contemplating something I was oblivious to. “It would be easier if I followed in one of their footsteps. They have all kinds of networks. And that’s what they want,” I continued.

“You don’t,” he said. It wasn’t a question. Was I that transparent?

“I don’t know what I want. I’ve known since I was a little girl that I’d go to medical school. It’s not really a choice I made.”

His brow furrowed and I wondered what I had said that troubled him. He reached out grasping a strand of my red hair between his fingers before tucking it tenderly behind my ear and asking, “If you could be anything you wanted, what would you be?”

“I’m going to be a doctor.”

“That’s not what I asked.” A smile etched on his face as his fingers traced my clenched jaw. “What would you be if you couldn’t be a doctor?”

This was pointless. “It doesn’t matter. That’s what I’m going to be.”

“Well…my brother is in his third year of residency out in Boston and he always says there’s not enough money in the world to make medical school worth it. The way he describes it, a person needs to be consumed with the desire to make a difference in the world or it will never happen. You sound like you’re doing it for your parents.”

“Don’t you think that you’re being a bit arrogant to assume you know me?” My words came out harsher than I intended and his hand pulled back from where it was touching my face as if I’d burned him. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut?

“Whoa. I guess it’s true what they say about redheads. Feisty.” His last word said slow and sexy, as he raised one eyebrow.

“Jerk,” I said, but I couldn’t help the smile that crept across my face and his cocky look made me chuckle.

“I guess that’s a sore spot. We can switch it up. Are you seeing anyone right now?”

“Would I be here, if I was?” I don’t know why I was so irritated and I needed a padlock for my mouth.

“Like you said, I don’t know you. Is that a no?”

“No.”

“So you are seeing someone?”

“No. I am not…” I began, but his lips swallowed my words.

His hand wove under my hair and curled around the base of my neck, pulling me toward him to deepen the kiss. His tongue parted my lips in a slow mesmerizing push and I flattened my hand on his bare chest, not to push him away, but to suck him closer somehow. I needed this—needed to get lost, to disappear into a world not my own. As I fantasized about this kiss leading to the middle of a dark romance novel, his hands skimmed down my body to my hips and then, without warning, Thor pulled back. He blinked as if he was trying to gain control, while I looked at him in disbelief.

“You have the prettiest blue eyes,” he said.

“Thanks.” It came out as a whimper. What kind of answer was that? I’m sitting here alone with this completely hot guy who is telling me how pretty my eyes are and for the first time in my life, I forgot how to talk. My mouth is either without a filter or not working at all.

“We should get going before I throw you down on the seat and have my way with you.”

Please! I wanted to say, but my mouth still wasn’t connected to my brain. Instead I just stared at him.

His gorgeous smile twisted brazenly. “You’re going to have to wipe that expression from your beautiful face because that’s the look that makes me want to take advantage of you.”

I smiled. I could feel the heat spread across my neck and I knew I was blushing. He flung the truck into gear again and within minutes, (I don’t know how we got there) we were in the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant. One minute we’re on a deserted road and the next we’re in some dinky little town. Did I black out?

We sat in the truck eating sub sandwiches as he told me about how he had just graduated with a degree in engineering after five years at UW and was going to the U of M for his masters. He and his brother were sharing an apartment near campus.

“How many siblings do you have?” I asked. This obviously wasn’t the same brother who was in residency. Being an only child sometimes it’s hard for me to understand the sibling relationship.

“Four, all boys,” he answered. “I’m the youngest.” Holy moly five boys.

“Your poor mother,” I said.

He laughed. “I was my parent’s last try for a girl.” He waved his hands in front of body like he was presenting himself. “As you can see it didn’t work out for them.”

“Their loss, my gain.” My mouth was working again. Surprise. I sounded like Megan.

He chuckled. “I have to head back to the Cities today, but come to my place on Friday. My brother and I are having a few people over. I’d like you to come.”

His words held promise and as we headed back to join our friends at the lake, my stomach spun with excitement. I was looking forward to the following weekend for the first time in forever.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Perfect Alli: May 26, 2013

Alli:  May 26, 2013

The rain started before breakfast and there was no sign that it would ever stop. Jeff and Thor searched the static on the television for a working channel while the rest of us cleaned up the breakfast dishes. So unfair. Exhausted from our night of drinking, we opted to watch a DVD, when we finished in the kitchen. Jessica picked the movie, Love Twice—a friends-with-benefits type love story where the characters fake it until they fall in love. She and Jeff had seen it in the theater and Jessica claimed it would be worth our time.

I settled in the oversized chair and propped my feet up on the ottoman. The couch had been claimed and I didn’t feel like sitting on the floor. As the opening credits ran, Thor squeezed in next to me. The chair stretched wide enough to seat us both but I wasn’t used to guys being that assertive. Most the guys, I dated, had to be told where to sit and where to put their hands. After last night when he asked me if he could kiss me, I guess, I expected him to ask before he made any sudden moves. I didn’t mind. I was just surprised. I sank into his warmth and he smiled that gorgeous smile. As the movie progressed to some very explicit scenes, his finger drew figure-eights on the back of my neck and he pulled my hand flat against his stomach. His rock hard stomach. I didn’t expect that either. And when did he get a shower? My hair still smelled like burnt wood from the bonfire, while his smelled clean and fresh and yummy.

When the movie ended Thor nudged me onto the screened porch. Closing the door behind us, he grasped my hips and drew me against him. I was sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t.  “Take a walk with me,” he said.

“In the rain?” I asked. “I’m not really a walking in the rain type girl.” I know it’s not very romantic but all I could think about was how my Italian leather boots would get wrecked in the mud and what the rain would do to my hair.

“Then, take a drive with me.” His voice almost hummed.

“OK,” I agreed.

Last night when I settled into my sleeping bag, I was positive all the girls were asleep, but Sarah’s voice whispered softly through the air. “Do you like him?”

“Yeah. He’s great,” I answered and then I regurgitated all of the problems that I’d been having with my parents, as if she hadn’t heard them before and how Thor was the perfect weekend distraction.

“Don’t hurt him,” she said, sitting up and glancing toward me.

“I’m not going to hurt him.” It came out of my mouth louder than I expected, and Megan groaned to notify me of my volume. Why would I hurt him?

“Just be upfront with him. If you don’t want a relationship, tell him. He just got royally screwed by his now ex.”

“Screwed how?” I asked.

Sarah paused the way she does when she’s not quite sure what to say. “It’s not my place to tell you.”

“Then why did you mention it?” blared Megan. Thank you, Megan.

“Just be honest with him,” added Sarah.

It all flashed through my head as Thor held me on the porch. And I was supposed to go for a ride with him without worrying about what his last girlfriend looked like or why they broke up or how she screwed him. How was I supposed to be honest with him when I didn’t know what I wanted? Really, it’s not like we’d even gone on a date. Why was I worrying about this?

We dashed to his pick-up truck and he stood getting drenched outside my door, waiting to close it for me. When we hit the paved road, a half a mile from the house, he cranked the heat and asked me to take the wheel. The farm road was straight, but I had to scoot across the bench seat to steer. With his hands-free, he reached back and pulled his rain saturated T-shirt over his head. Holy Crap! He was ripped.
 
He smirked at my expression and said, “Feel free to do the same. Wouldn't want you to get chilled.”

I know I was still gawking when he took control of the wheel again, but I managed to spit out, “No. I’m good.”

The smile grew on his face. “Tell me about, Alli.” The nerdy edge that I'd seen last night was completely gone and he wasn’t acting, at all, like he had ever been hurt.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler

Megan's Blog: May 12, 2013

Megan:  May 12, 2013

The party on Friday was a bust, well, not completely. I did meet an exceptionally devourable hottie named Kellan, but I never met up with Evan’s. I doubt he even showed up to the party at all. His loss.

I’m glad that Jessica came with me. She rarely escapes that boyfriend of hers and she needs to get out from under his reign every once in a while. She’s a different person when Jeff isn't around, a bit wilder, less inhibited. The party started off with beer pong, and I know if Jeff had been there she wouldn't have played. Our opponents were decent looking, one a business major and the other biology. The shorter one, with the beard, had the most gorgeous eyes, bright blue outlined with a ring of brown. He thought that we were an easy target and kept telling us how no girls could defeat him and his buddy. I liked his cockiness, but it just made me more determined to prove him wrong.

Jessica is almost as good at pong as I am and we made a great team. We trashed the guys pretty badly in the first game. Then we completely humiliated them in the second one, when Jessica scored a “bitch cup” shot. As the guy psyched himself up to down his last loss, she bounced the ball off the table, landing it with a splash in the cup he was holding. I think gorgeous eyes was too preoccupied with Jessica's boobs to notice where she was aiming. Funny, the guys didn't want to play a third game—too scared of losing to girls again, I guess, or maybe they were just too drunk.

After a while, I could tell Jessica was getting bored, but she still stuck with me in my search for Evans. That’s more than Alli would have done in the same situation. Alli would have bolted the second the party wasn't meeting her needs. She’s not one to help out a friend if she’s not getting anything out of it. I shouldn't say that. She can be a good wingman, but only when the Gods are smiling and the moon is three-quarters full. Jessica and Sarah, on the other hand, will try to make the best of any situation and Jessica won’t abandon you at a party. If you go with her, you’re going home with her. I used to fight her on it, but she’s saved me more than a few times and I have to respect her resolve to keep her roommates from morning-after regrets.

I got Kellan’s number before we left, so the night wasn't a complete loss.

Megan's Blog: May 4, 2013

Megan:  May 3, 2013
The thing with Peterson had stretched out way past the last game of the season and I was starting to contemplate cheating on him with one of his friends, like Evans, just so he would see what an awful person I am and end it. Most guys can see a breakup coming and step up so they can be in control. With Peterson’s laid-back attitude I wasn’t sure he would take the lead. But then the text came on Tuesday, telling me he was coming over to talk. What a relief. I was ready for the usual quick ten-minute breakup that I’ve been through so many times before, but nothing is ever that easy. He spent twenty minutes talking to my housemates. He gets along with my friends—that’s another drawback of breaking up with Dylan Peterson. Finally, in front of everyone, I said, “You wanted to talk?” Sarah and Jessica went silent and then made excuses to leave the kitchen. Alli gave Peterson a hug and then followed the others out of the room. They knew what was coming. They know me.

“Not here,” he said in a stern voice that I hadn’t heard before as he motioned toward the door.

I followed him upstairs to my room, where he proceeded to make himself at home. He removed his shoes and stretched out on my bed, patting the space next to him for me to lie down.

But I knew I couldn’t give in. I crossed my arms in front of me, a little irked that he was taking so long and said, “I thought you wanted to talk.”

“I do.” He stared at me like he was searching for the right words.
 
“Then talk,” I said, getting more annoyed as time ticked by.

“What’s going on with us, Megan? Are we ending?” he asked.

“If that’s what you want.” I tried to inflect that it was him making the decision. It’s better that way.
His lips hardened and he shook his head not meeting my eyes. “Is it what you want? Ever since basketball ended, you’ve been pushing me away. You haven’t stayed over in weeks and this is only the second time that I’ve ever been on your bed.”

I could have put it back on him, implying that he put too much emphasis on sex, but I didn’t want to burn bridges. I like Peterson. He’s not the mushy type and he doesn’t expect much from me, which is good because I don’t give much. “Finals are coming and then summer. You told me you’re working at that football camp up north. You may as well be in another state. I don’t expect you to be faithful. I know that’s too much to ask. Why pretend?”

“Is that all this is about. I never know what’s going on in that head of yours, Megan.” He grabbed my hand the pulled me toward him. “I thought it was another guy,” he added.

I wasn’t going to tell him it was lots of other guys. I shook my head, climbed up on the bed next to him and draped my arm across his chest.

He smiled and said, “I understand. Summer’s a long time.”

We laid there for another half hour, without talking, before he had to leave for work. When he left we kissed goodbye. Even though it took so long, it was one of my better breakups and now I’m a free agent again. Not that I was tied down to Peterson, but he has a lot of friends and I’m not the type to humiliate a guy in front of his buddies. Not that I haven’t done it before—I have. But just twice and they both deserved it, Peterson doesn’t.

Despite my roommates telling me that I need to break it off completely, I can’t. I know it’s not fair to Peterson, but part of me wants to hang on to the big Teddy Bear, so I blamed my insecurities. “What’s going to happen once school ends? You’re moving home for the summer, right? Are we really going to keep it going with you out in Minnetonka and me in Stillwater? It’s an hour drive without road construction. What’s it going to be like this summer once every road in the Cities is down to one lane? Do you think we can keep it together with texts? I’d rather end it now before we hate each other.” 

He took a deep breath and pushed his head into my pillow. “Is it another guy?” Of course, he would assume that.

 “It’s not another guy.” I climbed up on the bed and straddle his chest. “I’m really bad with distance and I don’t think it is fair to expect you to stay faithful this summer when we’re so far apart. We’ll never see each other.”

“It’s not that far. People commute further than that every day for work.”

“Not me. I can’t do it. I know that if I’m spending my entire summer trying to connect, I’m going to end up despising you. I don’t want that and right now I have to concentrate on school. Finals are in less than two weeks. When classes start again in the fall, we can see where we’re at and go from there. I like you, Peterson. Basketball wouldn’t be the same without you.” I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. It didn’t take more than a second for him to respond—everywhere. If he weren’t so easy-going he would have stormed out of my room before it got to that point. Maybe he just knew how to play me, but I felt bad and whispered, “One last time?”