Perfect Alli: June 19, 2013

Alli:  June 19, 2013

I’m sitting in the parlor of our old Victorian house as Mom rants about the new computer software in her office not interfacing with her tablet. She’s telling me all the different actions she’s taken to alleviate the problem and all I can think about is my week with Thor. I can still feel his touch, his hard muscles pressed perfectly to my curves, his fingers tangled in my hair. The week in Mexico was flawless.

He just sent me a text. Missed your warmth in my bed last night. His words cause all kinds of emotions to bubble through my body. It’s hard to keep the smile off my face. I don’t know how I’m going to spend the rest of the summer denying his existence to my parents, but I know that it is the easiest way to deal with them.

Me:  Want to do something tonight? I need to get out of here.
Thor:  Sure. There’s a band, I like, playing near Lake Calhoun. 
Me:  I’ll be over @6.
Thor:  Sleepover? 

I should talk to my friends to get an alibi before I answer. I look up and nod to keep my mom pacified. If she paid an ounce of attention to me she would see how last week changed me. She would know that I didn’t go grad-school shopping with Megan and that I left every bit of the old me at home to become someone new. I’m not sure I can be the person she thinks I am, anymore.

“We’re having brunch with Nana at the club on Sunday. She’s bringing one of the professors and his wife, and she wants you to make a good impression. He’s on the admissions committee for the medical school.” Her words penetrate the fog in my head.

“What?” I didn’t mean for my voice to sound so disrespectful, but I honestly wasn’t sure I heard her correctly.

“Frank Albright. Your grandmother has arranged for us to have brunch with him and his wife at the country club. If you impress him, which I am sure you will, he will recommend you for acceptance next fall. Even though applications aren’t in, they are already discussing candidates for next year’s admissions and Nana wants to make sure you are on the committee’s radar.”

Her confidence in my ability to impress feels like a lie. I’ve always been a disappointment to my parents and Nana. I’ve seen it so many times on their faces. Like when I missed “amphoteric” in the last round of the fourth-grade spelling bee and when I got a 32 on my ACTs. How many times did I watch my parents cringe when one of their friends or a relative asked my college entrance exam score? Finally, they insisted I take it again even though I didn't need a higher score to get into the U. Right now, part of me wants to run away and hide at Thor’s apartment to avoid all my responsibilities. Not once last week did I feel like a failure. Thor never made me feel inadequate, not even when I had the panic attack. Still, there’s another part of me that wants to pour all my energy into impressing Dr. Albright. I’m torn.

I type out a text to Thor without responding to my mother’s comment.
Me:  Maybe. I’ll bring my toothbrush just in case.

As a man, I’m sure he thinks that’s a “yes” and it is, but even if there is a little doubt it will keep me in control. I feel them without even looking up—my mother’s blue eyes analyzing me.

“Allison, tell Megan that you’ll talk to her later. We need to strategize for Sunday’s brunch.”

Her assumption is all telling. I want to shout that I’m not texting Megan. I want to blurt out that I’m talking to the guy who I spent a week in Mexico with, the guy whose apartment I’m probably going to be sleeping at tonight, but I won’t. It would put my mom in the hospital if I did. I pull together a smile and meet her eyes. “Is he the one that suggested that I tag along on that mission trip with Doctors without Borders last summer?”

“He is. Let’s just be thankful you got it over with last summer. Having an experience like that on your resume will help you stand out. And remember what a great experience that was.”

“Yes, it was.” The trip would have been a great experience if I had been able to stay in a hotel and not a hut, and if the bugs hadn’t been as big as birds. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a camper and I live for hot showers (which were few and far between on that trip).

“Let’s face it, Allison, your life here is pretty uneventful,” she adds.

Uneventful? I want to roll my eyes. My mind goes immediately to Thor…Oh, by the way, Mom, I spent last week in a foreign country with a gorgeous man you’ve never met. We went parasailing, snorkeling and nightclubbing. We hiked a sacred Mayan city and saw dolphins, sting rays and a guy getting pickpocketed. Absolutely boring.

“I know. My life is so lame. I really need to get out more,” I tell her, but I can’t keep the corner of my lips from turning up. “I’m sleeping at Megan’s house tonight, if that’s OK. We’re going to catch some band she follows.” I’m not really asking, but it’s easier if she thinks I am.

I type out another text to Thor, Got 2 go. CU L8R.

Then I turn my attention back to my mother. “It was so wonderful of Nana to set up brunch with Dr. Albright. I can’t wait to meet him.” My words are pretty much the opposite of my real feelings, but this is my life. I never realized how messed up it was until Thor pointed it out on our trip.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler