Perfect Alli: May 25, 2013

Alli:  May 25, 2013

I can do this. I can act the part for another summer. I’ve done it all my life—played the devoted daughter and perfect student. I’m really good at it. Most people believe I’m all that. They don’t see the real me. They don’t see my failures or the times when I do the opposite of what I’m told, just to push back. They don’t see that I’m barely holding on.

My parents know I’m not perfect. They tell me every day how lacking I am. They nag my faults and network for me, so their only child doesn’t embarrass them. Regardless of what they tell their friends and coworkers about how smart I am or how well I scored on my MCATS, I know I will never meet their standards.

I was thrilled to be able to crawl out from under their magnifying glass and escape to Sarah’s parent’s lake home for the weekend. Sarah calls it a cabin, but it's really a lake home. Megan and I drove up together, arriving after sunset. The cold night air chilled us when we stepped out of Megan’s Beetle. We followed the smoke trail to the bonfire by the lake. Perched in folding chairs around the fire pit, our friends were already a few drinks ahead of us and were laughing hysterically about some story Jeff had just shared. A clean-shaven prep-boy sat next to Sarah and I wondered if it was her Internet guy. As she got up to greet us, she said, “Why don’t you take my chair, Alli and I’ll grab a couple more from the boathouse.” She linked me and the guy with her eyes before disappearing into the dark abyss surrounding the fire.

As I settled into Sarah’s chair, Jeff introduced the guy as his ex-roommate from UW, Thor.

“Thor? Really?” I said with a chuckle.

And prep-boy laughed, a carefree, sexy laugh. “Ted,” he said, handing me a hard lemonade and lighting up the night with a gorgeous smile.

“We called him Thor because he wielded a giant mallet,” Jeff stated, waving his hand over his head as if he was swinging a massive hammer.

“Only when something wasn’t working. I called it my Persuader. Every engineer has his methods,” Thor added.

He didn’t really look like a Thor. His muscles ran long and lean, visible, but not bulky. He wore a black North Face jacket with jeans and an oxford. He was definitely my type, masculine with a slight nerdy edge. I could see why Sarah had pushed me to sit next to him. What I didn’t understand was why Megan started flirting with him. She tossed her blonde hair back and introduced herself. She asked him a few questions and sat down crossing her long legs, the way she does when she’s seducing a guy.

Normally, it wouldn’t bother me, but I was looking for a distraction—an escape from my parents, from the summer job that they forced me into at the hospital, and from the pressure of getting into medical school. I don’t usually seek out guys, relationships are messy and more work than I have time for, but I was fleeing responsibility and everything ordered, at least for the weekend. Besides, Thor was not Megan’s type at all. Didn’t she just break up with Peterson because he was too all-American for her? She liked guys with a dark crazy side and Thor was about as clean cut as they come. I knew she was toying with him on purpose, disregarding me because of my usual lack of interest. I could see it before me—she’d pour on her flirt and within minutes Thor would be putty in her hands.

Maybe I felt sorry for him or maybe I was feeling entitled when I leaned into Megan’s ear and whispered, “I want him,” like he was a piece of candy or a new dress. It’s not that I wanted to sleep with him and Megan knew that. She knows I’m usually PG-13 and that may have been what was behind the smirk she was giving me. But then, without a word, she stood, squeezed my shoulder and walked up the lawn toward the house. By the time she returned, a large chocolate bar in her hand, I was deep in conversation with Thor and had made my claim. She smiled at me as she sat down and began talking to Sarah.

Hours later as the fire dwindled and my friends started getting up to go inside, Thor and I sat silent, ignoring the others' banter about getting to bed. I don’t know what I was hoping for. I just wanted more time with him. When everyone had abandoned us and the fire was out, he said, “You look cold.” He reached for my hand and pulled me onto his lap. “That’s better. Can I kiss you?” he asked, his eyes dark and sincere.

I couldn’t believe he was asking. Couldn’t he tell by the fact that I let him pull me onto his lap? I nodded and his lips met mine so tenderly that it stopped my breath. One of his hands slid into my hair at the back of my neck, his other to my knee. His tongue swept my mouth, sending heat to my very core and releasing all the tension that had been trapped inside me for so long.

After several minutes, he pulled back and said, “I suppose we should head in too.” I didn't want to go in, but I didn't know what would happen if we stayed. We walked hand in hand into the house and before we each went our separate ways, he kissed me one more time.

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. I can't wait to be imperfect.
Copyright 2014 Susan Schussler